2010

I guess it's time for the year in review. This year has flown by like no other. Maybe it's the fact that I am part of the 9-5 cycle. Or maybe that so much has happened this year..
Shokoofeh posted this beautiful, beautiful post! And this is just..perfect.
This post was inspired by Gala Darling's year in review post.

here

Family
This year two of my cousins got married. A cousin of mine became a father, and we lost a cousin's husband to cancer, leaving behind a 6 and 2 year old.
This year, my sister presented at the APA convention thing (and turned 21). My brother has evolved into this witty young, young man. This year I turned 23 among family, no party, nothing.

My father came back from Saudi Arabia to live with us after seven years of being away.As much as I had dreaded that, it turned out to be a good thing; I have bonded with my father as an adult, and that made me realize so many things.
I realized that my father is almost always right, regardless of what could sometimes be a poor way of expression. He is a very wise man, a very smart and caring man. My father, shortly after I had gotten to know my boyfriend, sat me with him on the balcony and told me not to go about recklessly handling my heart, I had no idea what he was talking about, because it was only the third time I had met my almost doctor, but my dad could feel it. And thank God, I am not being reckless about my heart.

Jen came back to visit this month!

Ends
This year- what in retrospect seemed like a mentally abusive relationship, ended. I caused a lot of pain for my ex-boyfriend. I left the relationship almost believing no one will love me the same way, that I was a wreck and no one else would bear with me- because he "fixed me"..I had to ask for permission every time I leave the house, before I hug a male friend, a male cousin even...

My iPod died, and my laptop. My relationship with facebook has ended, and my addiction to Farmville.

Beginnings
In September of this year, I found a man. Yes, it didn't take me long (only 4 months, I know) but it felt like a lifetime. You know, the where-have-you-been-all-my-life sort of thing. Because that's how it feels like, this really is how it feels like; like I have been waiting all my life. And he has that smile... one that I would like to think he uses for me and only me. No, but he really does have a very, very genuine smile. A playful smile. And big almond shaped brown eyes, ones that twinkle, and he makes me giggle.

I started working for the government this year. And my blackberry (ab)use. My obsession with maps and Twitter. I made new friends.

Highlights

• Meeting Liz
• A fourteen hour long first date which included pancakes for breakfast, a walk, a felouka ride, a performance, dinner.
• Going to the opera before going to the movies together for the first time.
• I wrote this and this.
• Seeing Emel Methlouthi perform live in Cairo.
• I started exercising again!
• I got compliments because of my smile.
• Cherished times with my best friend, who is now in Sinai, and it's raining heavily there and I am kind of worried.
• Fun times with my sister and cousin.

Goals
In 2011, I want to go back to blogging more. I want to work out everyday or at least 3-4 times a week. I want to graduate from grad school. (with honours so I could get a scholarship for my PhD)

I need to write and read more because I haven't been doing that enough, also I need to spend time with myself, because I haven't done that in a long while, that I am beginning to think I am deliberately avoiding myself. But I hope not. I am an okay person to be around!

I want to spend more time with Menna, I want to call friends and family more often, and see them more often. I want to travel. Watch more films and shows, at least the ones I should watch. (suggestions?)

Oh yes, and I want to grow my hair out!

Here's to

• Growing and never growing up.
• Ridding myself of the people who choose to dwell in negativity, instead of fighting through/ for the more pleasurable path of positivity. Some people just choose the easy way out. And it's sad. (I think I've already done that.)
• Smiles and laughs and being silly.
• New beginnings and brighter days and darker times that will pass.
• Not choosing your words wisely because if you feel it, say it.
• Trusting your instincts.
• Not pretending that I care, to not listen to things that I am not interested in out of sheer politeness. To not always saying yes. To not stressing myself out. Yet, still manage to be kind.

I hope everyone has a great new year, and please never forget who you are. Never forget that you don't need to please everyone. You just be the best version of you and the rest will be taken care of.

Love and Moleskines

here

I am in a rush to finish my hardcover Moleskine before the year ends. I have grown to like the recycled cahiers more, to be honest, and I don't know why. I like the squared ones more than I liked the lined, and I also don't know why.

I think this could give me an idea of how I have changed, four years ago, I was in love with the classic black leatherbound hardcover and now it's just the brownness of the cardboard kraft cahiers. And it's the same with everything else, the way I dress, the way I write and my taste in general.

I have evolved.

I don't know if there is a comparison of better or worse. It is, at the end of the day, change- and change is always good.

I feel the need to belong to older times, I long for everything vintage, not really everything, but I have this sense of belonging and familiarity when around old things, or things inspired by old things, like the television set I saw with the boyfriend yesterday at Virgin Megastores, I could feel my face light up.

Speaking of boyfriend. And butterflies, and smiles and love. I have come to the conclusion that I think love is a state of being, you can/might feel love, but there comes a point when you will become love.

Work and my Reader

I am finally catching up on commenting and blogs in general. I have had a very hectic couple of weeks.

The semester finally ended. Which was very, very stressful, and I am waiting for my grades.

I was going down the road of demotivation and I hadn't realized it. I didn't take the time to think about it and have it hit me. But it did hit me. In the face.

I wasn't very happy with my job, it's been a year, almost and I was reflecting on my professional development ever since I started here, and I realized I didn't develop much- if at all. I also have issues regarding my salary.

Slowly, I started being late to work. And it became a daily thing, and my absence was going out of hand. My boss did something that I don't really appreciate...I wrote my resignation and kept it there and was seriously considering quitting...I talked to people about it and things. And I thought maybe I should try.

I emailed top management, I got a phone call from head of HR regarding my punctuality issues and it was a bit of a wake up call.

*end work rant*

I just unsubscribed from all my google reader subscriptions by mistake and I feel like crying... Recommendations please?

Fill in the Blank Friday!

It's Friday, and I am going to do this, since I am procrastinating! I have been up since 8, it's now 12, to study, and I have been browsing through TIME's top 10 everything of 2010 instead.
Let's play!

{Erin Nicole Photography via weheartit}

1.   I wish       that certain something that might happen, happens. I wish my mother would stop being mean. I wish I could move out     .

2.  Yesterday I   cried  .

3.  Today I will       work on my paper, take my brother out and hopefully see the Mister/Doctor  .

4.  Tomorrow I will   go pick Jen up at the airport! She's coming to visit again, finally   .

5.  Maybe      it's time for me to go renew my gym subscription. It's been 15+ days .

6.  Someday        I will go far away. I will rediscover the person I am, I will celebrate my journey, and all things great will happen to me, or rather I will make great things happen    .

7.  I love       good news. A great big hug. coffee and sitting in bed with the laptop, working on my paper while a game is in the background..I've only experienced this a few times but it has this special kind of serenity about it     .

I am. I will.

“Everything is created from moment to moment, always new. Like fireworks, this universe is a celebration & you are the spectator contemplating the eternal Fourth of July of your absolute splendor.”(Francis Lucille) here

I tend to forget that sometimes, and I get carried away; the mundane-ness that is my life. I am quirkiness incarnated in the short body of a girl with hazel eyes and caramel coloured skin, and cappuccino coloured hair. Yet, with all the warm tones, my feet are almost always cold. And so do my hands. I laugh, and I giggle and I smile. And you can sometimes hear the child in me echo through one of my loud, silly giggles. Or maybe more than "sometimes"...

This is who I am.


I Am A Girl - The Girls With Glasses Theme Song from The Girls With Glasses on Vimeo.

I am a girl.

I will wear that pettiskirt under my A-line dress and walk down the street, I will be cut from the 1950s and pasted on to the street in 2010. And it will be glorious.

I will walk stop at a street corner cafe in Paris for a coffee to warm me up. And it will be divine. I will also have Paris vs. NYC posters hanging on the walls of my apartment.

I will watch the sun rise setting fire to the Red Sea, in Sinai, wrapped in arms I have grown to love so much. And have the very same arms keep me warm on the streets of London.

Yet, for now, I shall go read about Argentina for my term paper. And when this semester is over with, I will have finished half of my classes. And I can't begin to explain how great that feels. I need to start saving up, because after I am done, I plan to travel. And start a whole new life.

Who are you? and what are your "will be"s?

Quick Post

You know how sometimes you think of something and you feel something and try to speak of it to people and they never understand? And you just never talk about it anymore?

Like, for instance, when you meet someone, and then you fall for them and then you meet their friends, their really good friends with which they have memories, experiences, the friends that know them really, really well. And you feel jealous, not out of a weak sense of possession, and not out of lack of confidence or anything...it's just that you want to have that, too. You want to have existed in their lives for as long.

That's the feeling I once felt and tried to explain but no one understood. And yesterday, in words that are quite familiar, the mister was trying to explain- except that I knew exactly what he was talking about. And I think I was speechless, I tried not to show it, but I was truly in awe. He knows the feeling. 


This is how I know I am blessed.

(check my tumblr for credits)

Then this;

 It's you, plain and simple. So please, I beg of you. The next time you think that your life sucks, or you're about to say that to someone you know, think of that huge hole in the ground where all the other people are wallowing in their own depressing filth, and then look up at the sky and see the birds and the clouds and the endless blue azure shimmering through the skyline and ask yourself. Where would you rather be?  

 -My boyfriend

It's end of semester...stressful times, I will get back to this soon. Because I miss everyone. But I have a deadline on Wednesday and a paper that is not finished yet, I also still have to write a paper about Argentina and the role of the state..and two reaction papers, before the 15th.

And guess who is married? 

Lovely Randi! You looked beautiful!!

Micaela got married, too! 

Cait is back :)

On Freedom

here

I have mentioned it here before that I lost my dear iPod classic, and I shall replace it someday. I lost academic papers, "writing", music, photos and films on that iPod.

Two or three years of my life. And I am to start over.

The thing is, it all seems quintessential, because I have to start anew, in real life, too.

This could be an early reflection on 2010; this year, my almost 3 year long relationship has ended, and now, I have something new. And I am happy with it.

I am free.

Free to start a new music library, to buy a new camera and start taking photos again, I am free to write new things, not having my old things to measure up to. I lost my "Drafts of a Suicide Note", probably the darkest thing I ever wrote, from when I was "depressed". I lost my Beatles discography, and the Cranberries, too. I lost photos of the summer when Jen and Pete were here. And of days when I used to see my best friend every day. I lost photos of my senior year.

I am not comparing men to iPods, I appreciate men. And I appreciate iPods, too!

It's just that, it all made me think, because losing my iPod made me cry. But I realized, that maybe it was time. It was right about time. So, thank you late iPod for your perfect timing, I now have to paint it, and I have a perfectly white, clean canvas.


QUESTIONS
I move my blog, too?
I am buying a new iPod, should I buy my third iPod classic, or try the touch?
I had a Canon SX110 IS, do I get the SX10 IS or do you have other recommendations?

Reason(s) To Smile

here

It's Eid today. And I had a draft saved, saying how I had lost the spirit and everything, but then it all changed.

I did wake up in an off mood, then I decided I would take my brother and sister out. And I did.
I drove to Zamalek and picked a friend up, went to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I had my chai latte, and was HAPPY.

Then, remember how there was something I wasn't sure if I am to share yet? Well, the boy (man) joined us. (YES!! I met this amazing, amazing person!!) Even my best friend likes him! And as of today, my brother likes him, too.

We had sushi, then we went on a felouka (that's when my other sister and my cousin joined us). It was such a fun, fun day.

I am thankful for their presence in my life. Each person who was there today. I am thankful for my best friend's presence in my life. And my parents. I just feel thankful to have people who can cheer me up, people who can take me at my meanest, too. People who care.

On an entirely different note, I want this wedding. I say that a lot, but I really want this wedding!

A Week Later

• Sometimes school can be overwhelming, especially when I am trying to balance that with so many other things. I am no trying to inflate my importance or anything.I just have the tendency to stretch myself and try to go to the gym after work, then try to see everyone, and please my parents, and study all in one day.
• Also, I have encountered one great misfortune within the past two weeks, I am still mourning. But my iPod died. And it had every paper I have written, every photo I've taken and all the songs. Now, I am iPod-less. And I hate it. I have a new laptop though! Finally! 
• Eid is on Tuesday, and so Eid break starts on Monday, I have a break ahead of me and it feel so great (despite the fact that I have to study...) 
• I won Lauren's giveaway!! And I love everything in Shawnee's shop that I can't really decide (I am very indecisive)
• There's so much going on, and I don't know if I am ready to share yet. Maybe when I am, I will. But I just need to share this: I couldn't be any happier. And I am just so thankful for that. 
• Don't you just hate it when you are so disconnected at a certain point, and you go somewhere else in your head, think of things in far away lands, not because you don't want to be here, but because you so much want to leave a good impression and it's hard to stay "here"? I know I am not making sense. I am trying to. But I wasn't making sense to myself, either.

here

This was originally a post that wasn't in bullets, then I realized it was too fragmented. I can't think straight now. How is everyone? I sincerely would like to know :)

Oh God, this photo is just beautiful, and the colours and the light...perfect! I want that, I want to be there. Now.

I'm back!

It's Friday! The weekend is here and it is a great, great sunny day!
Friday also means Lauren's fill in the blanks (which I honestly reaaally love filling in)

1.   My last haircut was       in June, I trimmed my hair for my cousin's wedding  .

2.  My most daring hair moment was       when cut it all off to rid myself of the..."memories"     . 

3.  A hairstyle I'd never be brave enough to try is       full bangs     .

4.  I've always dreamt of being a (blonde, brunette or red-head)   a blonde! or have dirty-blondish hair  .

5.  My go-to hair do is       what my grandmother would call messy. I let it air dry and that's about it     .

6.  My biggest hair disaster was      my brother accidentally cut my hair for me- it was at its longest .

7.  A hairstyle I am dying to try is        pincurls   .

8.  My best hair day was       probably the first day after I get it cut     .

9.  The worst hairstyle I ever had was   when I coloured it myself in middle school.  

10.  My hair is       on the thinner side of hair, has this natural curl and yucky natural colour. I also have lots of grey hair      .

AUC Workers

I don't know why I am writing this. I think it's because I saw a worker clean after a student after his shift has ended yesterday. I think that was it.

I think it's because of the corrupt system everywhere, or in the case of the American University in Cairo, since I have no evidence of corruption, I would refer to it as bureaucracy. I wanted to talk to my professor before I wrote this but I cannot reach him.

So, this is entirely based on tweets I have read, and things the warman has told me earlier this month.

Money flows constantly and tremendously into the AUC bank accounts. The simplist example would be tution fees (2010/2011) per credit hour;

• 1st level Egyptian undergraduate student = 2830 EGP
• 2nd level Egyptian undergraduate Student = 4039 EGP
• 1st level International undergraduate student = $599
• 2nd level international undergraduate student = $855
• Egyptian graduate student = 2830 EGp
• Egyptian LLM/MBA student = 3312 EGP
• International graduate student = $855
•  Egyptian non-degree student = 4039 EGP
• International non-degree student = $855

There are 5055 undergraduate students and 1148 graduates students enrolled at AUC.


I know I haven’t made my point yet but I just needed to set things straight first. That this is as much money they make, disregarding the AUC Press, the bookstore, the donations, USAID and so on.

Blue collar workers in AUC receive a net salary of a bit over 600 Egyptian pounds. And the average AUC student spends at least as much on campus in a month. But the mere fact that they belong to two very different socioeconomic backgrounds and groups does not mean that the workers should be that ill-treated. One could argue that government workers receive around the same amount of money monthly, but one could also argue that workers in the government benefit from informal redistributive methods in addition to occasional bonuses. Let alone that government resources are “limited” and “very thinly spread/diluted” (not that I necessarily agree)

I know of one labor economics professor who has sent her students to do some fieldwork with the workers and make them aware of their conditions. There came a point when they had no contracts, eventually, more students were aware of the workers’ state and work conditions, let alone the workers themselves.

They would calculate costs of living of which their salaries were but a fraction. Yesterday the demonstration and strike started. The workers have stopped cleaning the campus, and students are sitting in. The workers' demands are posted here. AUC workers were promised a 5% raise this year, a promise that was never fulfilled, and the sad thing is, with too much bureaucracy, if a change is to result from such pressure being exerted on the university, nothing is to happen before September of 2011.

As I write this, 10 representatives are on their way, or are actually in a meeting with AUC Vice President for Planning and Administration Brian MacDougall

Links to photos: here. here. here

It is also worth mentioning that students are supported by professors and administrators. Some, that is, and not all, the sad thing is that some students are actually opposing the demos.

How to be Happy

So Nikolett tagged me! Thank you, love! I will answer the questions soon!

Thank you all for your lovely comments. I need you to understand that I am such a daddy's girl so it was hard. It is all good now, though.

So I was thinking a while ago. I happen to do that, a lot. Mostly in the bathroom. Or while driving.

I was thinking of the person I would have liked to be,

1. I wish I could have my favorite quote tattooed on me.
2. I wish I had narrower hips.
3. I wish I had clearer skin.
4. I wish I was less of a troublesome person, I really wish my parents would believe that I am a responsible person.
5. I wish I was more punctual.
6. I wish I worked with the same people I work with now, only at a better place, because we all deserve better working conditions.
7. I wish I could take time off and go backpacking around Europe.
8. I wish my parents would let me do that.
9. I wish I would stop procrastinating. Because it's about time that I do.
10. I wish I had the words to explain things that I can't explain.
11. I wish I can see my grandfather again, because I have so much to tell him. SO MUCH!!

here

But then, I think again, I think again and I am thankful for all the things I am not.

1. I can't have a tattoo because my faith doesn't allow it. And I am thankful I have enough faith to not get a tattoo
2. My hips are awesome. They are. I have curves, like any other North African woman.
3. My skin is well, my skin is okay.
4. My parents think I am irresponsible because they love me and I am their eldest and I sometimes act like a 16 year old. And they have to tell me off. And it's humbling. It's a reminder, that I will always be their little girl. They brought me into this world, and for that I am thankful.
5. At least I acknowledge the fact that I need to be more punctual!
6. I have a job, I work with great people! And that could be the only reason why I am still working where I am working. At the government, putting up with the bureaucracy, and the backwardness of it all.
7. I have so much to look forward to in my life. I am yet to go backpacking.
8. My parents actually care.
9. I have things to do, and when I cross something off of that to-do list, it feels so good!! SO GOOD!
10. I have other ways of communication. A smile, a look, a touch. I am thankful for all my five senses.
11. I know my grandfather is watching over me. I know he knows. I know he's smiling now. I know it. And he is proud of me.

Fill in the Blanks. (and a rant)

 

{photo by Photos Day! via We Heart It} 

Lauren's Fill in the Blank Friday

1.   I am       just another face in the crowd who tries to prove otherwise    .

2.  I wish   I didn't live with my parents, and I wish I could get a tattoo  .

3.  I like       the sun, the sea, coffee. I like books, and pens, and paper obviously    .

4.  I can    make people smile  .

5.  I hope      I sort things out with my father .

6.  I think        I've been blessed with beauty in my life    .

7.  I was       always (and still am) the shorter eldest sister      .

I haven't blogged in a long while. A lot has been going on. Mostly perfect. Well, until this morning, at least. I had this not-so-little argument with my father (my dad and I are usually close) and it sort of escalated, and I started to cry. I hate crying in front of people, and yes, even my parents. So I excused myself. Without waiting for his response, which I think has made things worse. He's in his room now. And here I am, pretending to study, because that's the only thing that he pays for now. Otherwise, I am independent.

Also, I lost a friend this morning- or last night. We weren't really close, but you could tell. You could tell he was a very, very nice person. He was. He was one of those people who had hope in their eyes, hope despite the unfairness the world has through their way. He was that guy.

Now

here

Do you ever feel content with now? That feeling where there is absolutely no room for nostalgia? (Well, except for this morning when my sister and I left the house to go to work, together in the lift/elevator, and it reminded me of our schooldays, that was one nostalgic moment)

Because I feel like I am at that point in my life when I am so happy with the here, and the now. I don't miss being younger, here is good. Here is perfect.

There is this comfort here that just came so naturally, so instantly. Like eyes you can look into and never quite reach the bottom of the sea that is their wilderness. The wilderness that is the perfect lace of past delicacy and a hope for a future lightness. And a hope; a hope for eternal happiness.

It leaves me in awe.
It leaves me so much in awe that I become speechless.
And it take a huge amount of awe for me to reach the point a of loss for words.

Thank you, Friday!

1.   The first thing I do in the morning to start my day is       have water, coffee and pray  .

2.  Today I wish I was   writing something that's worth reading. I wish I was at the beach, too  .

3.  If I had an extra $100 in my bank account today I'd       add another 150 and buy a new iPod    .

4.  Tomorrow     is Saturday, and I never plan my days ahead .

5.  Two things that don't go together are     private and public sector fusion, or my county's lame attempt at "technocrats" .

6.  Something I can never pass up at the grocery store is        a bottle of water and chewing gum   .

7.  The last time I tried something new was        last week    .

I haven't done this in a while, thank you Lauren!

My dad had been away for the week and he came back yesterday. And well, I realized I had missed him, I come back home and find him and hug him. I love my dad, and he, in the most sincere of tones, asks me "how are you?" and I talk to him, I tell him what happened while he was away (politics and Nobel Prizes, and such) I told him I am okay. I am perfectly okay. 

And yesterday was a good day actually, except at work, it's now the weekend and I am perfectly content with it. Yesterday there was a huge crowd and I got involved in conversations about so very random things, including if I should go about calling myself an economist, I don't know if I am to go as far..

October, already!

When I come to think of the fact that it's October, that 2010 is almost coming to an end, I am suddenly in awe...

here

Because when I think of it, when I look back and review the year- I realize that it has been such a festive year. 2010 has been good to me so far. My life as I know it has ended, but with endings, come new beginnings.
New beginnings that are so full of possibility, and choice, and light, and just all things positive and optimistic. Beginnings are so fresh. And it is that thought, that very thought, that makes me go through the endings-the goodbyes-with an accepting heart.
Oh, how I want a real Autumn, one when leaves fall off their trees- with smiles on their faces- because they are going to a better place, a place full of joy and glee and echoes of laughter. The sounds of dry leaves under the feet of children and couples and best friends, warming their hearts and liberating their souls. But our Autumn is still such a beautiful one- because I can still go to the beach and I am so looking forward to it. Red Sea, I miss you!

yes, I had you in mind as I wrote this.

Care Packages

I was looking at my older posts in attempts to procrastinate. Posts that reminded me of times when I used to passionately write, times when I used to have something to write about, when things inspired me and when things touched me...

And now I am just in an entirely different place in my life. I am not really lost, but I, at the same time, cannot say that I know where I stand, and I have no idea where I am heading- nor do I know where I would like to be.

I realized that my posts have become less and less personal, less and less inspirational...and just...you know. I could tell, in hindsight, that naturally, it all lead to where I am at now, but I also know that I am going to pull myself out of it.

I was just too comfortable in a place too passive for my liking. Not really neutral, just passive. I was not actively seeking a different place, but now I am. Because there is hope for change. A tiny glimpse of something new. But no, I wouldn't skip this one step ahead; at their own pace, things tend to unfold. And they are mostly beautiful, viewed under the certain light of positivity. Yes, at a certain angle, everything is beautiful.

And the serendipity about it all is what makes it worthwhile. Pleasant surprise care packages left at your door when you don't feel like interacting with the world. The perfect companion on your cocooning trip.

[The internet has been good to me, I have met some great people here. So this is a thank you, because some made me smile, some made me feel like I am not alone, some made me feel loved, some made me feel special. Some I have met in real life and some I am yet to meet. Some have sent me gifts, and some have sent me birthday cards. I love you, I honestly do. I am just in this state, because I realized how I have, somehow, evolved into the me I am today.]

I am not depressed. I am just at this point when you realize things that might- or might not- have been there all along. And obviously, I have been standing there, watching, waiting for things to happen as I wondered why nothing interesting was happening, why I lacked the inspiration and why I wasn't smiling as much as I would like to.

And it hit me, because I was just standing there watching the world go by. And that is the worst thing anyone could ever bring upon themselves. Ever.

Silence

There's so much negative energy around me and I am trying to break away. I am trying to break away and be my actual self. And I don't know how to.

Some people have noticed it. And there's too much noise around me- it's like an echo of what is in my head. It is, however, not helping.

I need silence, I am indifferent to whether it is a silence that speaks. Just silence. I am too sensitive to all sounds and voices around me that I could actually scream. With each wave of sound that hits my eardrums, I am more aggravated, I am more miserable, if I may say.

And then I Wrote This For You somehow makes me feel better;

That sound you hear, that's the sound of someone realising that sometimes, it's easier to change the world than it is your own life.

I am not saying that I haven't sincerely smiled in the past week, because I have. I have had a weekend full of smiles, and for that, I am thankful! In fact, there are a lot of things that I am thankful for, which actually include my (possible) lunacy since it made me appreciate a certain smile, a certain giggle and a certain laugh.

How has everyone been? I would really like to know.

More Fragments

I don't think there is such a thing as fiction. There is no fiction. Everything is mixed with reality- or the other way round...
I don't know if that's a good thing.

What I know is, though, what I know is- is that I am not sure if I am ready to leave this. I am not sure if I am ready to quit. I am not sure. I want. I am not sure if I need.

I am.

Maybe that is enough. That. I am.

I tend to enjoy watching the stars, regardless of who is there to watch them with me- I never really cared. I am not sure if I don't care though. I want a sincere hug, a hug that tells me I am cared for. I want a warm look...just to tell me that I have a friend. A friend.

I want someone who would listen and not make fun of what I have to say, you see. Regardless of who optimistic or unrealistic, or idealistic it may sound.

I worry too much. I worry too much about the might have been, the could have been. All the alternate routes and choices and paths. No, I am not depressed, I just have too much on my mind and I don't know how to let it all out in an optimistic tone, you know?

This could, by far, be my favorite "I Wrote This for You" post;

Do you remember, at the start, how small everything was? Smaller than a point. Like everything was somewhere between a thought, almost, and a reality, almost. And then I looked at you and thought

"?"

And then everything that would ever happen, happened.

I also know this is the only thing that's keeping me going. That someday I will look back, and remember. I would remember how lost I thought I felt when I was twenty-three (and twenty-two) I would remember not being able to define my role in this world, my identity, my place, I would remember worrying about each and every choice I am to make. I would look back and smile- laugh even and it would feel so good!

I know.

Maybe that's the problem with me, and a lot of other people, that we try to define things, when an abstract concept leaves you with much more freedom, much more flexibilty. Why should one define identity when it could be universal, when it could be so personal while being universal. Definition limits you, it limits concepts and thoughts...

So, for now, my role is abstract, my place is abstract, my identity; abstract.

The Long Post That Turned Out to be Not So Long

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. So I am thinking a list is in order!

1. I have been going through terrible, terrible mood swings and I know I owe it to everyone around me; I am sorry (are we going through a retrograde? excuse my ignorance but I have a feeling some planet is in retrograde and I blame it on that)
2. Tomorrow might possible be the last day of Ramadan, meaning that it's Eid el-Fitr on Thursday! Thursday and Sunday are off (YAY LONG WEEKEND!) I am heading to the North Coast with my family and my favorite aunt, her daughter and grandchildren!
3. ABC Adventures is such an amazing blog, that I know, BUT LOOK AT THAT!!! A WHOLE POST THAT FEATURES ME!
4. Speaking of amazing links; this is just beautiful! And this.
5. I want to make a confession post. (I had intended on this being the one but then it's getting late and I have to be at work at 9 am tomorrow. That without coffee is torture!)
6. Am I the only one who likes Seal's song?

So yeah, the post didn't turn out to be long after all! Maybe tomorrow! And also, tomorrow I am willing to reply to emails!

Title

Yesterday marked the end of my birthday week, not that I had spent it celebrating or anything, but yesterday, we had iftar at my best friend's and then went to this GORGEOUS concert.

The Azhar Park was once a dump, and now it's a beautiful park that has a theater where they hold great live performances- underground performances.

Yesterday, was Emel Mathlouthi's first time to perform in Cairo, and I quote the best friend; she "lit Cairo up" with passion and drive and hope....and freedom and revolutionary aspirations.

She's is Tunisian, but nevertheless, I guess all North African countries could relate to what she sang for. I did. I was...touched. I am not an activist, because there's nothing that I have "actively" done for this country except love her with every bit that I am. Regardless of all what she doesn't give me, and what she takes away from me; of freedom and rights, I still love her. Regardless of the poverty and misery I see at every corner...I think my country is a beautiful one...

I might be a silent, passive protester...if I have the right to call myself so, but that's a shameful thing to be.

She sang el Sheikh Imam songs. Oh how I loved those.

She sang this song....and oh how relevant this song is to what the country is going through today..

(انا في وسط الفوضة معني)

I had first intended on doing Lauren's fill in the blanks, but I got carried away with this. This is how I feel now, and oh, there goes another piece of me. Out in the open.

oh, you have to read this.[person shapes]