Wednesday, September 15, 2010

More Fragments

I don't think there is such a thing as fiction. There is no fiction. Everything is mixed with reality- or the other way round...
I don't know if that's a good thing.

What I know is, though, what I know is- is that I am not sure if I am ready to leave this. I am not sure if I am ready to quit. I am not sure. I want. I am not sure if I need.

I am.

Maybe that is enough. That. I am.

I tend to enjoy watching the stars, regardless of who is there to watch them with me- I never really cared. I am not sure if I don't care though. I want a sincere hug, a hug that tells me I am cared for. I want a warm look...just to tell me that I have a friend. A friend.

I want someone who would listen and not make fun of what I have to say, you see. Regardless of who optimistic or unrealistic, or idealistic it may sound.

I worry too much. I worry too much about the might have been, the could have been. All the alternate routes and choices and paths. No, I am not depressed, I just have too much on my mind and I don't know how to let it all out in an optimistic tone, you know?

This could, by far, be my favorite "I Wrote This for You" post;

Do you remember, at the start, how small everything was? Smaller than a point. Like everything was somewhere between a thought, almost, and a reality, almost. And then I looked at you and thought
And then everything that would ever happen, happened.

I also know this is the only thing that's keeping me going. That someday I will look back, and remember. I would remember how lost I thought I felt when I was twenty-three (and twenty-two) I would remember not being able to define my role in this world, my identity, my place, I would remember worrying about each and every choice I am to make. I would look back and smile- laugh even and it would feel so good!

I know.

Maybe that's the problem with me, and a lot of other people, that we try to define things, when an abstract concept leaves you with much more freedom, much more flexibilty. Why should one define identity when it could be universal, when it could be so personal while being universal. Definition limits you, it limits concepts and thoughts...

So, for now, my role is abstract, my place is abstract, my identity; abstract.


Farah said...

I in a way understand what you mean. I am 24 and no closer to knowing who I am compared to when I was 14. Sometimes we lay out plans and deadline and determine before hand who we should be that when it doesnt happen we feel strange and disappointed. I am glad that you are giving yourself the freedom to be 'abstract'. in abstraction, you will be surprised to find yourself and see who you are clearly. Love you! xo

p/s: Eid Mubarak. xo

Anonymous said...

Abstract: I like it :)

7upkels said...

i love this. everything you said resonates with me - especially the worrying part. the part where you worry about alternative routes of life. not caring about who watches the stars with you - and wanting a hug that simply means you have a friend. etc. etc. etc. beautifully said.

Shokoofeh said...

I love the times that you have "too much on your mind" because those times your write the purest words, Sara.
I like your world, you know. It's frank. It's ... it's just beautiful.

You're loved. And happy Eid. xo

Anonymous said...

power of abstract: if you can believe it and conceive it you can achieve it.

i think that fiction is cool because it tends to be more real than reality.

that is a most beautiful quote btw.

i hope you get to sort your feelings. but you know what, i think what matters most is how you accept what you are feeling.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you. Every time I go to the bookstore, I look through the books that say fiction. There is so much reality in them.
I missed reading your blog.


Dinah. said...

I enjoyed reading this !!!

missy. said...

i have missed reading your blog. you have such a way with words. such a beautiful post. and i wrote this for you, that person has such talent. i adore it.

Kristin said...

I think who were are is ever evolving and never constant!

Veronika said...

Loosing and finding yourself is something that will continue for the rest of your life and it's a good thing because it tells you that you are constantly evolving, learning, getting better at who you are and what you are, and the things we learn along the way, the life stories we create through these experiences are invaluable.

The Childlike empress said...

i'm going to give you a friendly hug sometime soon.

Paislea Elyse said...

awe! i love this! what a great post!

Winnie said...

Hope you're OK. It's ok to feel a little lost sometimes. Everyone eventually finds their place in the world.

DT said...

You have been TAGGED!