Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I hope you have a great day today. I thought I would wish you that since you have made my day this morning. You were helping the person sitting next to you park and were looking my way in order to ask people to wait while he parks.

I smiled, and you paused for a second or two, then you smiled back.

And that, simply, made my day. It really did.

So, thank you, I really needed that.

May your smile always make someone's day brighter.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Healthcare in Egypt

I just wanted to share this with the world. I want to share with to let everybody know that I have no reason whatsoever to have felt left out, to have felt sidelined...

I have no reason to have felt unimportant. I have no reason to have felt any of those negative feelings; loneliness, neglect, among many many others. Because this is his job. This is his career. This is what he is passionate about.

And I would never EVER let anyone stand in the way between me and my calling (I haven't even found my calling) and I believe he has found his. And I shouldn't let my PMS give me an excuse for nagging and crying and arguing for more time to be spent with me.

Being a resident doctor's girlfriend/fiancee is not easy. But it's much easier than being a resident, that I am sure of.

I forgot to share what this whole rant is about: This post right here.

He is doing his residency at a public hospital, the biggest one in Egypt. And free healthcare is both a blessing and a curse. But let's not talk about this now.

I am blessed. That's all.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Red and Orange

And yet, when you get here, you are not given instructions. No one tells you that heart A is meant to slot into heart B. There are no diagrams about how you are meant to live each day or directions on how to assemble some semblance of happiness. You are not even told what colours to paint your feelings or, given a purpose and a reason for your life.
You have to make all of it up. You have to make all of it, yourself. - I Wrote This For You
It must be scary being born, it must be traumatizing, even. Maybe this is where some (most) people get their fear of change, maybe that is how it all began. And some people spend their whole lives doing the same things, at the same place, going to the same places with the same people. Until they lose the ability to move, and until, one after the other, those same people die.

Why is it that people shy away from color?
Why is it that some people would opt for stripes instead of swirls and paisley and flowers..and multi-colored polka-dots?

Life is not about planning but rather those fortunate unplanned for events that take you by surprise. That's what life is about, it is in these moments that you forget about what is to happen next, and where you need to be and what you need to do, in these moments, you are at your happiest.

Life is not about a person you have dreamed to life, but rather that person you coincidentally saw in that light, a person you accidentally clicked with and you spend the rest of your time together figuring one another out. Or at least that's how it works for me.

Life is about not choosing your words, and saying whatever it is that is on your mind, expressing how you feel even if it would hurt (you or the other person) because why hold back? We were never meant to hold back anyway. And we were never meant to look at patterns of the same thing, our windows are not supposed to look the same.. (I don't know why I wrote that)

There's no wrong way to do things, because there really isn't a right way for you to measure other ways against. There is what feels right, however.

You felt right.
(and so did wearing socks with thick red and orange stripes and black loafers this morning before leaving the house)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sad Post

I can't do this anymore;
this is too much pressure.
Too many things that are undefined, and I hate this.

I really do...

And no one is helping and I don't really know what it is that I need help with, and in turn, I can't really ask for help.

This is ridiculous. And I cannot vent. No one will understand, and that I know.
And it just feels like two years ago all over much as I hate to admit it.

Then you say the wrong things at the wrong times and all I could think is "who are you?"

Yes. Who are you and what are you doing here? I am not used to this, and this is not what I asked for, this is not who you are.
Or maybe it is, but I never really saw it?


Suddenly I don't see you anymore, nor do I see myself.
I  don't see you anymore
I can't breathe.

I can't breathe properly.

I am not depressed. I just can't breathe properly. I really can't. My heart has grown heavy and my lungs dense. The air seems more polluted than ever, enough so that my eyes are seeing clouds.