Sunday, January 29, 2012

Patience and Passion

I have been talking to a lot of people of what I have come to realise over the past year or so.

I have been making lists of big bad things that have happened to me over the past ten years, and how these things have helped me grow into the person I am to day.

I am thankful, so very thankful!

I had this argument with my father earlier this month and he asked me to make a list of five things that I had wanted him to do for me as I grew up, and I couldn't really think of anything...I mean, I remember incidents when I thought I could never forgive my father for having done that. The most memorable example being when he wouldn't send me out of the country so I could study genetics for my bachelors degree.

Today, these things don't seem to matter much to me. And that is a lesson I have learnt solely from my argument with my father. Things might seem huge at one point in time, but later on, maybe a year or two from then..they won't matter at all.

Don't make a big deal out of life not going your way. Some things are meant to happen for you, and if they are, they will happen sooner or later. I am not saying that you shouldn't work for what you want, you just need to be patient. Only that.

You need to be passionate and patient.

And the light within you will grow brighter and brighter, and you will shine. You will shine and lead the way for yourself. You will lead the way for others.

My best friend writes puzzles.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

I Wrote This For You: The Book [Part 4: Rain]

Reading Rain has been quite the experience.

It has stirred up feelings of reassurance; reassurance that no matter what people might think - people I no longer speak to for any reason - no matter how they try to label me, or affect my energy, I am who I think I am, I am who I make of myself. I have no regrets.

I am here, and I will be for as long as I can. And, I will make this world a better place.

You know why? Because I was given my hope and faith back to me as I was reading "The Angel of Almost" or maybe it made me realize that one day I am going to run out of tomorrows, so I may as well just start today.

Because I have a lot to give, and that really is what being gifted is. Because I hate "almost"s and I will not give up, I will keep trying harder and harder, and when I feel like crying, I know that the weeping willow is crying my tears for me, and when it is no longer considered a distraction, I will allow myself to cry.

"if there is one thing I hate, it's having to acknowledge that my feelings are my own, no one else's. And, my responsibility."

And I will touch you over and over. Even if you don't understand what it is I am doing. I like the feeling of your skin, it reminds me that I am human, and that I am alive. It reminds me that you are real. And that this is actually happening, that yes, it is you, and that I have found you. It reminds me that I am thankful.

So the next time you ask me "what are you doing?" when I touch your forehead, or cheek, or hair, or palm, I will finally have an answer!

"This is how I love. This is how I love. This is how I love."

Rain is about beauty, the beauty we forget a lot (And not sometimes). Rain is about the world, because the world is beautiful. It is quite simple. Really.

"Because only a hard heart shatters.
Only a hard heart breaks."

May you find the softness in your heart, I hope you smile more and love more. I hope you give more. And you shall never be heart broken. May you always remember that it takes one bad ending for a beautiful beginning to be written.

May we always remember that we need no permission to do something, let alone something great. May we all remember that it is only natural for us to care.

"Perhaps that somewhere is here.
Perhaps that someone, is you."

Yes the time is now. Don't write it down. Just say it/start it/do it.

I wish I had known all this every time I argued with my parents as a teenager, or the one time my younger sister (my only sister at the time) told me she hated me, I wish I knew she didn't mean it as a child. I wish I knew at the time my grandfather pushed me away when I was trying to hug him that one last time, that he didn't do it out of anger or hate, he was only breathing his last breaths. I wish I knew so many things as I cried. 

What I know is, though, that it is all going to be okay. Because I have grown, and I have grown to know. And I forgive everyone, and I forgive myself. 

"Everyone and everything lives on inside you." It has almost been ten years since I lost someone very dear to me to a heart attack, and I watched it happen and I knew it was happening. A fourteen year old me, however, thought that the world was ending, that life will not go on from there. But I have him with me everywhere I go. He lives on. Inside me.

"That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day is you match it."

I'll be the sun. And you be the rain (because rain is beautiful)
We can always switch places, since there are days when I won't feel up to it. And you will be the sun.

Rain made me cry.
I promise that I will feel everything I could. I promise.

(Only if you promise to read the book)
You can also read: Sun, Moon and Stars.

Monday, January 9, 2012

I Wrote This For You: The Book [Part 3: Stars]

At first glance, we might all seem crazy.
Or maybe we are. We do things for reasons that make sense to us, reasons that might not necessarily make sense to anyone else.

At first glance, we might all seem like we lead a simple life.
But what might seem simple to you might be killing someone else.

When we look up at the sky, we see stars everywhere.
I spot a shooting star and I giggle. You see one that is shining brighter than the others. We see one bigger star and wonder what its name is.

What we don't see is where these stars are today. We see stars for what they were, hundreds..or thousands...or millions of years ago.

Stars burn. But we cannot see that.

"...You could never tell the difference between the mood you were in, and me."

This is what we all should see, this is the only thing we need to remember. I shouldn't make you miserable just because I feel comfortable around you.

Stars are pretty, they guide us, and they always have...but they are, at the end, one of the many tricks of the universe.

Stars are the break up you will always remember. Regardless of whether it was you that hurt, or if it was you that was hurt. What matters, really, is that you have learnt.

"There's no revenge here. Love doesn't hate back."

If only I could get everyone to understand this, and read this. If only I could buy the book for everyone I have ever hurt, and for everyone that has ever hurt me. Maybe it will all be okay, maybe they'll realize it. And then the world would be a better place.

"...I was here, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you."

That is the same nagging feeling I get everyday when I am just about to sleep. My need to live on long after I am gone. Long after I have stopped seeing people, when I graduate, when I change jobs....I have the nagging need, tugging at my insides, to be remembered.

Stars is heartbreaking. It left me speechless. (And it made me cry)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I Wrote This For You: The Book [Part 2: Moon]

Before I start writing this, I need to make it clear that this is more of how I feel and what I experience while reading the book. And I am reading it as slowly as I possibly can, because I don't want to finish it. This is what goes on in my mind as I read, and not your typical review. 

I am biased to this part of the book so far, because it starts with one of the best things I have ever read; my favorite IWFY post: The Children of Time.

I was born in August, and I always want to do the right thing, like my birth-month, I don't know what the right thing to do is. I lie about things. And I never want to apologize. I always lie to my boyfriend and I tell him that I don't want to see him on a specific day, but that is always a lie. Because I would always rather see him than not. I would always want to spend time with him, as much as I would appreciate spending time with myself or with other people.

"There are a million important things to do. But none as important as lying here next to you."

And Moon made it feel like it's okay. Like I am not the only one who does that, and that is the thing that matters the most: You are not alone. You are not the only one.

Moon is about the little things, and trust me, it's the little things that matter, it is the little things that make life worthwhile. And the little things happen all the time, every day, but most people just fail to notice them. Most people forget to remember that if they do notice the little things, they would be a lot happier.

Moon is about happiness.

"..No roller skating, kissing, smoking, fingers through hair, 3 am phone calls, stained letters, littering, unfeeling feelings, a smell left on a pillow, doors slammed, lyrics whispered, or loitering, Thank you."

I dare you to not relate to that. Moon is about the fear of falling in love, the fear that is at its peak right before you fall in love and then you succumb and you give in so willingly and you try to love the person to happiness, or more happiness and it's hard. Because you want that, and only that, and the fear is still there, the fear of losing what has always scared you.

This is how love doesn't make sense.

"A mess without you
Something beautiful with you."

"...till you cannot distinguish between being and being together"

And that is the scariest thought that anyone could think of. But it is so beautiful. Moon is beautiful. And so is love.

The moon is closer to earth than the sun, and this is why it has a stronger pull on its seas, but the sun, the sun gives us warmth, and gives the moon its light. Yet it's the moon that we could relate more to. It can never burn us.

Love hurts, over and over again because it is forgetful of who it has hurt before and we never learn. But every time your feelings become harder and harder to access. But on a night when the moon is full, you will give in and kiss that person that chose to be there. The person that chose to listen to you and support you when you never really ask for it. And it will be beautiful.

Whether it remains beautiful or not, however, is a matter of choice. A matter of accepting the fact that people change, and their place in your being is either reshaped or erased. Forever.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Wrote This For You: The Book [Part 1: Sun]

You have no idea how much I have been waiting for this; a piece of the blog to hold in my hands.

The blog has been speaking to me for as long as I can remember, everything that he writes just touches me in a way, I don't think anyone could ever not relate to the words, so abstract that they make all the sense in the world.

I think I have started beginning my sentences with "and" even more often after started reading "I Wrote This For You."

Yesterday, I started reading and by the time I reached the end of the dedication list, I felt the tears in my eyes, I felt like I matter, I felt like it was my best friend writing. Or my mother, or someone that came to visit Cairo for the few days and it was like knowing them forever (I have someone in mind)

It felt like the world wouldn't be the same without me. Because, I know that I am one of those people; those who "paint the world each day with the colours of their feelings."

I am also one of those who hope. So this book was written for me.

And it was written for you. It was even written for Aristotle and Rosa Parks. And those of us with day jobs that don't feel as great - or special - and forget to notice the magic that is everywhere they look. This book is a perfect reminder that magic is always around, it is in your every breath.

Let me not forget to mention that it is not only the words that speak, the photos do too. Those photos were taken with me in mind. The pop of colour, the land far, far away, waiting for me to find out about. The sense of curiosity that is the sole drive behind travel, and love, and friendship...

"..these things can exist and you're not quite sure how they existed without you knowing about them before."

It is not always about love, or maybe it is, or maybe it never was, but I would like to think it is. Everyone needs to hope more, to believe more, to love more and to give more chances (this is how you are given more chances) and that is what the book is about.

It is the perfect wake up call. The perfect new year's gift. The perfect Valentine's day gift as well. (most definitely the best birthday gift)

All I have to say is, simply, this book is beautiful. And if like me, you believe that this year is yours, then this is the best way to start your year.

Coming up: Part 2: Moon

Monday, January 2, 2012


I guess my plan to do one post for each month of 2011 did not follow through. But I have a few things to say about the year 2011, the year of awakening.

For it was, indeed, an awakening year. One where my country along with Tunisia and Libya have managed to topple their presidents. One during which Syria and Yemen struggled and are still struggling.

It was the year I got engaged to someone I very randomly met at a tweet up that I went to only because I knew a few people personally. And he was there and he seemed interesting only because he was honest and wasn't saying things only to impress (or so I would like to think) A person who stayed after I told him I loved him less than a week into the relationship and who got me posters of the Beatles and a jade necklace from NYC before were even together for a month. He makes me laugh and smile and he makes me happy.

2011 was also the year my baby brother turned 10 and as much as I hate to admit it, it is probably time for me to stop treating him like a baby. But he is my baby! (see?)

It was such an intense year that I mostly fail to pinpoint specific incidents and their timing, everything seems to have blended together into a blur of incidents and tear gas and smiles.

It was the year I experienced military curfew for the first time in my life, it was perfectly normal to see tanks roam the streets. But enough about that.

My best friend and her now ex boyfriend broke up and I was so worried about her but I knew she was in good hands. And now she's back. I had missed her.

We all travelled to Sharm el Sheikh for new year's and it was then that I realised that I will only get to look back on 2011 and be able to reflect maybe six months from now, but not today. It was a fun night that was eventually filled with drama and then love came next. Somehow people had argued, and somehow maybe an hour later everyone was dancing and hugging each other and smiling and there weren't even any drugs involved.

Then a friend's cousin passed away in a car accident and I am trying so hard to convince myself that it can only get better. And I know it will. I don't really have any resolutions but I have news.

Today is my first day at a new job. I am now a junior technical officer on a program for the economic integration of women in Egypt and another three countries.

And well, I graduated! I have finally graduated. Even if it's not case officially, I now have an MA in Economics in International Development. (my GPA is even not that bad!)

2012 is my year.
Now repeat after me: 2012 is my year!

Happy new year, everyone!