I was looking at my older posts in attempts to procrastinate. Posts that reminded me of times when I used to passionately write, times when I used to have something to write about, when things inspired me and when things touched me...
And now I am just in an entirely different place in my life. I am not really lost, but I, at the same time, cannot say that I know where I stand, and I have no idea where I am heading- nor do I know where I would like to be.
I realized that my posts have become less and less personal, less and less inspirational...and just...you know. I could tell, in hindsight, that naturally, it all lead to where I am at now, but I also know that I am going to pull myself out of it.
I was just too comfortable in a place too passive for my liking. Not really neutral, just passive. I was not actively seeking a different place, but now I am. Because there is hope for change. A tiny glimpse of something new. But no, I wouldn't skip this one step ahead; at their own pace, things tend to unfold. And they are mostly beautiful, viewed under the certain light of positivity. Yes, at a certain angle, everything is beautiful.
And the serendipity about it all is what makes it worthwhile. Pleasant surprise care packages left at your door when you don't feel like interacting with the world. The perfect companion on your cocooning trip.
[The internet has been good to me, I have met some great people here. So this is a thank you, because some made me smile, some made me feel like I am not alone, some made me feel loved, some made me feel special. Some I have met in real life and some I am yet to meet. Some have sent me gifts, and some have sent me birthday cards. I love you, I honestly do. I am just in this state, because I realized how I have, somehow, evolved into the me I am today.]
I am not depressed. I am just at this point when you realize things that might- or might not- have been there all along. And obviously, I have been standing there, watching, waiting for things to happen as I wondered why nothing interesting was happening, why I lacked the inspiration and why I wasn't smiling as much as I would like to.
And it hit me, because I was just standing there watching the world go by. And that is the worst thing anyone could ever bring upon themselves. Ever.