Tuesday, November 18, 2014


I have been having a really hard time and I feel the need to document this.
I have been neglecting this place as if it were my enemy and I have no idea why.

My grandmother passed away last month. My grandmother was more like a mother to me. But I am trying to deal with that, I have dealt with losing my grandfather, so I have a bit of experience.

On a different note, I have been feeling lost and confused. Not knowing what I want - or rather knowing what I want but not being able to take the steps to get that. I felt crippled, and the more I thought about it the more it left me immobile. I waited and waited and waited; for a sign, for a signal, for something...not realizing that I had waited too long.

Yes, there is such a thing as waiting too long. I waited too long, twice, the one time out of patience and the other out of fear - out of fear to make a decision that might not be the right one.

It's as if I haven't learnt anything over the past ten years. TEN YEARS and I am thinking the same thoughts and doing the same things. Ten years and I am not sure how to get what I want and how to know if I really want it. And seven years have passed and I am not really sure how to go for things and not just wait for things to sort themselves out.

Why could things not sort themselves out? If I have the intention to sort them out, if I WANT to make things right - what's wrong with that?
I want to make things right and it's all I think about but never do anything about. I want to make things right but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I am scared - or was scared - to invest even more in things not knowing where that will lead me (even further away from where I want to be?)

I forgot to practice what I preach. I forgot that if you want something you should do all you can to show the world that you want it. I forgot that if you want something you work for it, it doesn't matter where you'll end up as long as you know you tried. If you want something, you try, damn it, Sara, you try!

I forgot my purpose, and hence lost my purpose and direction.

I forgot to remember to not regress when attacked, constantly. I forgot to remember that it's okay for people to not appreciate me the way I would like for them to; people have different ways of expressing things. I forgot that it is more than words, that I shouldn't be blind to actions. I forgot so many things until it all hit me and now all I want to do is curl in a ball in bed and hope for it all to go away.

Yeah, at least I remember that if you want something, you work for it.
Anyway, that's what's been up.