Friday, August 17, 2012

Birthday Musings: Part I

here - such a beautiful photo

I've been having very/somehow insightful conversations with people lately, and that has helped me see things more clearly. It has also helped me see how I have changed over the past year, maybe.
Over the past few years, I have become more of a cynic; one of the traits I fear the most. It's one of the main reasons why I don't want to grow up; because grown-ups are cynical, they don't dream, they don't believe in love and they don't smile often enough.

I want to always be remembered as the girl who smiles (a lot) [even though, at times, I am remembered for my very loud laugh when I can no longer control it]

I still do believe in love, but mushiness makes me cringe. I still dream, but the first thing I do when I think of ways I can pursue a dream is think of the obstacles. I am working on that. I promise.

(Speaking of dreams, I finally traveled to London.)

I do a lot of thinking, but I only do it in retrospect - you see, my mind is not the best of minds, my mind is- in fact- a rather dark place, and I don't really like it. It thinks of negative things first. Where my gut feeling comes from, however, is a beautiful place, a place where eyes glitter and faces light up - or where tears originate. My gut feeling is what I base most my decisions on, my life, in turn, is based on a little voice inside my head that tells me when things feel right; I'd rather call it instinct and not impulse. (it is largely impulsive, I must admit) It might make me seem reckless and immature at times, it might leave me with unhealthy levels of guilt and burden and heavy-hearted-ness at others...but mostly, it has helped me come to terms with who I am.
(I am a bit immature for my age.)

I am, most of the time, at peace with myself. I admit that I have been mean to people, unfair to others, I have been a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad daughter and a bad sister. I do make sure that apologise for it though, if not face to face, I do it here.

I think hugs can make everything better, but I don't take that for granted. I also know that there are a few people (not so few) whose hugs can make me feel better, and I am sure those people know it. I make it known for them - at least I try. And these people have all changed my life in one way or another. They have have uninhibited parts of me that I didn't even know exist, that I never realised I had kept dormant...they have, in other words, freed me.

These are my musings as of late, my birthday musings, if I may say. Two days after my birthday, it's Sara's birthday make sure you check her pre-birthday posts that include this one here.


Rathi said...

Oh, Sara. This is exactly what I have been feeling lately. Every time I think of these few years, I look back and see how much things have changed, how much everything has worked together to recreate me... I have been selfish at times, sometimes a bad person, but I am coming to terms with forgiving myself. Sometimes, it is so easy to hear someone say what we exactly feel... because even though we don't know each other, we can feel what the other person has been feeling.

Thank you.

Lots of love and hugs.

Sarah Alaoui said...

Same page...