I am a commitment phobe.
I really am, countless times I have yearned and yearned for a stable relationship, for love that is everlasting and all those fairytale notions.. and whenever I think "okay, this is it!" the guy I am with finds an excuse to break up with me, or I drive him to break up with me.
(I rarely ever broke up with anyone in fear of the chance of them being the one..)
Why have I driven them to break up with me, you ask? Because I think of all the possibilities and options and alternative lives I could be living when I am stuck with this one person for what might seem to be forever. (but grown up Sara knows there is no such a thing as forever, there is only for as long as I can, and for as long as I am willing to and other grey statements that provide no guarantees)
I lost my dreaminess some point along the way.
I have a fear of marriage, it took me a good while to realize that. As much as I want to get married, it scares the living hell out of me. It turns me into this little girl sitting in her bed, to scared to move because it's dark, and because mummy said there was a big bear living behind the AC vents and that the big bear is watching me, waiting for me to fall asleep. (My mother used to actually say that)
11 months ago, last September, I met this guy.
I met this guy and we went on an extremely random date maybe four days to a week after we first met. it was so random and carefree and just....perfect. It lasted for 14 hours.
A fourteen hour first date.
And after our second date, we were officially a couple.
I am not going to say he cured my fear of marriage, I am not going to say that I am no longer scared of commitment, I do..I do and I have learnt to admit that it is normal, it is something everyone goes through, but they're just too scared to admit it. (right?)
I am going to say, however, that I almost have nothing to worry about when I am with him. He has a beautiful, beautiful soul; his issues, and his obsessions and everything about him have all worked so well into shaping this beautifully imperfect human being.
A beautifully imperfect human being that has proposed to me, on one knee, without even saying the rather scary M-word.
I really am, countless times I have yearned and yearned for a stable relationship, for love that is everlasting and all those fairytale notions.. and whenever I think "okay, this is it!" the guy I am with finds an excuse to break up with me, or I drive him to break up with me.
(I rarely ever broke up with anyone in fear of the chance of them being the one..)
Why have I driven them to break up with me, you ask? Because I think of all the possibilities and options and alternative lives I could be living when I am stuck with this one person for what might seem to be forever. (but grown up Sara knows there is no such a thing as forever, there is only for as long as I can, and for as long as I am willing to and other grey statements that provide no guarantees)
I lost my dreaminess some point along the way.
I have a fear of marriage, it took me a good while to realize that. As much as I want to get married, it scares the living hell out of me. It turns me into this little girl sitting in her bed, to scared to move because it's dark, and because mummy said there was a big bear living behind the AC vents and that the big bear is watching me, waiting for me to fall asleep. (My mother used to actually say that)
11 months ago, last September, I met this guy.
I met this guy and we went on an extremely random date maybe four days to a week after we first met. it was so random and carefree and just....perfect. It lasted for 14 hours.
A fourteen hour first date.
And after our second date, we were officially a couple.
I am not going to say he cured my fear of marriage, I am not going to say that I am no longer scared of commitment, I do..I do and I have learnt to admit that it is normal, it is something everyone goes through, but they're just too scared to admit it. (right?)
I am going to say, however, that I almost have nothing to worry about when I am with him. He has a beautiful, beautiful soul; his issues, and his obsessions and everything about him have all worked so well into shaping this beautifully imperfect human being.
A beautifully imperfect human being that has proposed to me, on one knee, without even saying the rather scary M-word.
15 comments:
oh sara i am so happy for you! i know exactly how you feel when it comes to relationships as you well know. i hope that things keep going well for you. you deserve the best.
First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you!!! Second, I was afraid of the M-word too, you're not the only, and it is normal!
OH MY GOODNESS! This is a big deal. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! We are all growing up, aren't we? I am sending the happiest of thoughts your way. I am, honestly, the same. I am a commitment phobe as of late; I don't know why. I guess I always picture myself somewhere better. Which is unhealthy...and you have helped me see that, in this very post. Thank you so much.
I have not received your letter yet, I hope it didn't get lost in the mail. Email me your address so I can send yoiu one, anyway! (tmango7@gmail.com)
Love and happiness!
Aw I'm so happy for you =)
this is perfect. the things we fear the most something surprise us how darling it can be. and this random stuff are the best.
xx
OMGOMGOMG!!!! Are you joining the Mrs club?? Eeeeeks I'm so excited!!! :)
First of all - huge congratulations! :)
And don't worry, we're all scare of this, we just learn how to manage it :)
Veronika (http://www.constantworkinprogress.com)
Proposed?! EEEEE, I did not expect that! Congratulations!!!
I was going to leave a comment about how its totally normal to be scared, I've been with Thomas for 9 years now and I find the idea of marriage daunting lol
Oh my God Sara! Oh my God!!!!
Girl, I am so so so happy for you! xo
p.s. Be online; I want to chat with you!
Oh my God!!! Sara?!!! This is wonderful. I am soooo happy for you girl!!! :) Congratulations!!!
xoxo
OH MY GOD!!! I am screaming in happiness. Sara, I am so happy for you! Go with the flow darling. Marriage is scary. But with him, don't fear anything!
Oh, I am beyond happy right now!
LOVE!
I have come back again to read this post that makes me so happy.
Oh Sara, I wish you could see the smile on my face.
LOVE!
♥
Hi there.)
Oh, you ve got such a cute blog!! I love it!
Nice post.))
I need your help (maybe again) ...
Do you anything about PayPal? If yes, can you say me about this system?
thanx.
♥
Such a sweet story!!
I hope your days are beautiful, dear.
LOVE!
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