I have no idea what to write but I feel the need to update my blog, so expect the most random of all things to read!
I realized, lately, that spontaneity is not always a good thing, because at one point in time, I felt lost. I am the kind of person who never has a plan, only broad lines I operate within, themes, maybe but never a specific, detailed plan, because things never go as planned.
But then something happened, and I was asked what my plan was, and I didn't know, and it was such a weird experience, to not know where you want to be or what you want to do.
I mean, I know I want to do my PhD after I am done with my master's, but that is only one dimension of my life. I don't know where I want to work, or what I want to be doing, after I leave here that is, which is going to be the first thing I do after I am done with my master's.
I want to write research papers but I don't know what I want to research.
I want to write a book. I want to cook again.
And by a camera and teach myself how to take pictures.
I want to spend time with Menna.
I want to travel and laugh and discover music. I want to spend all the time I can with my boyfriend.
And my family, who definitely don't come last on my list but, sometimes, it seems like they do. But that's not true.
So many things and I obviously don't have the time do everything I want, let alone the resources - the most important of which is the plan. I need to start planning, I need to go back to writing lists. But then, they would be lists of general themes, and I would only be very specific about certain things.
Because I need to feel human at the end of the day, and not mechanically shift from one goal to the other, or from one failed plan to another in hopes it would work out.
That wasn't so random, was it?
I realized, lately, that spontaneity is not always a good thing, because at one point in time, I felt lost. I am the kind of person who never has a plan, only broad lines I operate within, themes, maybe but never a specific, detailed plan, because things never go as planned.
But then something happened, and I was asked what my plan was, and I didn't know, and it was such a weird experience, to not know where you want to be or what you want to do.
I mean, I know I want to do my PhD after I am done with my master's, but that is only one dimension of my life. I don't know where I want to work, or what I want to be doing, after I leave here that is, which is going to be the first thing I do after I am done with my master's.
I want to write research papers but I don't know what I want to research.
I want to write a book. I want to cook again.
And by a camera and teach myself how to take pictures.
I want to spend time with Menna.
I want to travel and laugh and discover music. I want to spend all the time I can with my boyfriend.
And my family, who definitely don't come last on my list but, sometimes, it seems like they do. But that's not true.
So many things and I obviously don't have the time do everything I want, let alone the resources - the most important of which is the plan. I need to start planning, I need to go back to writing lists. But then, they would be lists of general themes, and I would only be very specific about certain things.
Because I need to feel human at the end of the day, and not mechanically shift from one goal to the other, or from one failed plan to another in hopes it would work out.
That wasn't so random, was it?
12 comments:
Not so random, really. The future and what you want to do with it. I think you can listen even more to yourself, though, to your inner voice and what you really want. What you like. It's easy sometimes to hang on to an idea of what we're "supposed" to be and even think that we want to do something - although it may be imposed upon us by society, family, our own ideas... And I think it's important to not just wait. If you want to write a book, write a book. The journey has to be more respected and important than the goal.
Not so random at all. I get that feeling you talk about Sara. It is quite common I guess when we are out of track. We can start off by creating lists because that brings us back on a line and then after that we can always catch up where we left. We would no longer need the lists then.
Not at all random. :) Loved this post girl. The future awaits you with whatever you are going to do. You have the time, and the power and the will to do all this - it's weird, but go ahead and do it. Don't put it away, saying "next week" or "next month" or even "when I'm ...". You may not do it then, heck, you may never do it. Go travel if you want to before you start to study more, or go out more and take your camera, or write while friends gather one afternoon. It sounds weird, and so not real but all I know from my own experience is that you need to do whatever you want to do right now and not wait. Waiting didn't help me, it actually made things worse. I am nowhere right now and it sucks and all because I waited and didn't follow my instincts and wishes. So, Sara...go for it! NOW. ;)
Ok, way too long of a comment but heck, I'm gonna post it now. ;)
xoxo
I know exactly how you feel. I have a very, almost identical, list to your "I want" one .. Hopefully we'll get things done soon. And as for photography, you should totally go for it!
Never knew you blog btw :)
xx
Hea~
I loved your goals and lists. It helps sometimes to say them out loud, or even write them here. And you seem so ambitious! You can do it all, I know it. I want to eventually get my phD someday, like you. I want to learn how to photograph and cook! We have a lot in common.
Random - perhaps for research, you could look into your country. Such as the revolution that just happened in February. When I heard that on the news, I immediately thought of you. You seem very interested in that political sort of debate - just seems that way! :) I admire that.
i think the more you wonder and talk out loud, the sooner you will realise the answers. the answers are within you. you just need to find them. and i beleive that self reflection is the way to find them.
Reading one of your posts is all I really needed at the moment =)
Please write your book(s).
I can totally understand your problems. I finished my masters and have not actively found work yet since I'm using the time to help my parents business and then after my holidays I can concentrate on finding work. It's strange isn't it? I'm sure everything will fall into place soon, it's weird when there is so much you want to do and it feels all out of reach at the moment. You're so smart though, I'm sure you'll fulfill everything you want Sara!
Oh, this is amazing :)
Thing will become clear over time, you'll see, as long as you've got your dreams and goals everything comes together just as it's meant to :)
buy* a camera!
How have you been? I've missed your blog!! Havn't blogged in ages :(:( xoxox
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