Thursday, April 28, 2011

Maybe.

I have had it with clouds and to-do lists. I have had it with the negativity that surrounds me, of being left behind. Of feeling like I have to go the extra mile, or make the call first, or drive to wherever everyone is, why is it that I have to call and not be the one who gets called? Why is it that I have to be the one to go to places?


I am not being snobbish or anything, I just want to stay still.

I want to stay here. To sit still and not move and have everything around me move; and I watch. I observe. And see all the details, the look that lasted one second too long. The touch that lingers for that extra split second. The moment your coffee goes cold, the fraction of a centimeter my brother grows everyday. The one extra grey hair I get, or my sister, or my mother, or my father.

I want to watch it all happen, and take note of it all, and write it all down.

12:01 pm: I make coffee.
(I leave it on the table for too long while I do things that might or might not matter)
12:15:39 pm: my coffee is on the cold side of warm.
(There's a breeze, a beautiful breeze that is on the chilly side of warm, the sun is a bit muted outside. And the highway to the beach is crowded; long weekend)

I want to live and experience the exact moment when the sea starts crawling backwards, and the moment it decides to come closer. I want to know what my skin thinks when it first touches the Red Sea after a long winter. It was a long winter. One during which I have yearned for the sea so many times, but never went. I finally went to say hi, even though it wasn't warm enough, I went in. Oh how I'd missed it.

I would do anything if only I knew I mattered. But do I?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe I only matter to myself.
And maybe that's all that matters, all that will ever matter.

11 comments:

{Selma} Crazy Little World Of Mine said...

You matter Sara.
Every minute, every hour, every day and every time you have to say something and share it with friends, family, bloggers, the world or just with you.
You matter.
Yes you do, even if what you share is negative - that matters too. Sometimes more than the positive thought. Sometimes less. But know that is always matters!!

Freddi Kelly Marsh said...

Oddly, what you wrote made me think about the movie "Cashback", but it was the contrary. Everything around him stopped, and he was the only one moving. You should watch.
But I am sure dear that you matter.

Nikolett said...

This post is beautiful. I'm sorry that you always feel you have to go the extra mile instead of having someone else go the extra mile for you, but I hope it happens more, because you do matter. I think what's most important is that you matter to yourself, but it's nice and comforting to be mattered to others, too. Even if it means asking others, "Do I matter to you? And how come you don't show it?"

The post that got to me most was your story about coffee ... little moments like that can really make a day special and memorable. I need to remember to take note more often :)

Dima said...

"I would do anything if only I knew I mattered. But do I?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe I only matter to myself.
And maybe that's all that matters, all that will ever matter."


I love it !! And you do matter, your writings matter... I miss you...
x

Taylor said...

I wish you would write a book, you are a beautiful writer. You matter! And so many people can relate to you!

Freddi Kelly Marsh said...

thanks a lot ♥

tywo said...

You matter.
As much as I want to tell you to keep going the extra mile (sometimes, it helps), I must tell you to live at ease.
Breathe Sara, take notice of the beautiful things.
Don't live for anyone but yourself!! YOU matter!!



LOVE!

Hamza Bin Ladin said...

Just like alot of people matter to you,you matter to even more people.
If they don't mention it,that doesn't mean that you mean/matter nothing to them.
Nice blog and you have got yourself a brand new follower.:)

... Paige said...

the world is like a community of ants - it (and the universe) depends on every member...

so re-Member that you do matter

Kamana said...

I want to live and experience the exact moment when the sea starts crawling backwards, and the moment it decides to come closer. ... loved that bit. love the whole post, really.

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