Tuesday, August 24, 2010

4 am

I feel I owe it to myself to write this.

It's 4 am and I am very emotional. I have been far from productive at work and I don't like it. Speaking of work, the iftar with my work friends was beyond amazing. And I had loads of fun.
Also speaking of work...

Seif and I went to school together, all through our school years, so he is a familiar face, the kind of person you feel comfortable around because he's been there in the past, in your life. In mine, that is. He lives close to where I live so we went to school on the same bus. And his mum knows mine (they worked together) Anyway, so Seif and I went to different universities, and well, we've worked together now for 6 months. But now he's leaving. Now that we are friends, if I may say, he's leaving. But I am so proud of him (if that, too, I may say) because, he's going to London to study for his Master's and he's getting married before he does. And well, I am just so happy for him!! We definitely share a couple of interests or more, and there's so much he's taught me, like reading a certain newspaper, and how to compile a country profile, how to prepare a company profile and basically everything I do at work.. I have him to thank! And I really do wish him all the luck in the world, because he deserves it.

Now on to the self centered part of this post. Because, I know no one should ever say this, but I have been far too selfless lately, I can say that the only way I have been taking care of myself is...well, working out. And that is not enough. I need to celebrate myself, to take care of myself and to take pride in myself. I had a quote about changing one's self/life as a facebook status and when I though of what it is that I want to change, I realized there was nothing to change. I am okay. I am more than enough and that's how I am happy. And if I am happy, that's all I'll ever need. I only need to sop putting things off. Like going to Paris, and starting to work on my book. I only have a concept in mind and a huge pile of Moleskines, but no words, no draft...nothing. And Paris, well I should start working on that, and, from there, things should work themselves out.

everything changes & it’s exciting & lovely & such an alluring part of life. everything happens for some reason. everything will work out & it will be such a beautiful ending to an adventurous tale. when things feel awful it’s hard to see the outcome. it’s hard to stay positive & stretch our limbs to the sky each day. people leave, we leave, & it’s always hard because you think: why didn’t they love me? what did i do wrong? do they care? what about me? & you let those questions, each question, hollow you out a little more until your body is the heaviest hollow there could be. you can feel the question, each question, ache in different parts. why didn’t they love me, how could they love someone more? it aches in your belly, keeps you from eating. what did i do wrong? your constant retelling of every moment spent together, analyzing, it aches your whole skull. do they care? the thought that they don’t care, that they don’t think about your needs or worries or wants, well that aches in all the limbs. these aches make us weak, they keep us in bed fearing sleep. they keep us from telephones, from computers, from friends. because ‘why did they leave, why did they leave me?’   we are self centered by nature. people exist in our lives because they are meant to. each person, lovely or awful. they exist for exactly the amount of time they should. they teach us things. little things, extraordinary things about ourselves, our lives, the everything around us. that doesn’t make it easier to say good bye. it doesn’t make it easier to think that they have finished their task, made you stronger, & we must be strong. we must be strong. you exist,& it is extraordinary.


pinklotus said...

i love this post!!!

"everything changes and it's exciting and lovely and such an alluring part of life"

I strongly agree that everything happens for some reason.

I've been there, done that! I've lost someone special too. And I know it hurts! But I'm still thankful though coz if not because of him leaving me, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. And if not because of it, I can never appreciate life, family and friends like how I appreciate them now.

Life has lots of imperfections. And life is too short, as well, to keep on sulking on its unpredictability. In order to be happy, we must live with it! Know more people... ^_^

My prayers are with you.... Everything will be fine. I know that there's a lot out there who loves you so much! And that includes me!

Anonymous said...

this is what i love about your posts. its always so raw and heartfelt. i can feel your emotions coming through everytime. you go girl, and make those dreams a reality. dont put them off. not even for a second.

Dinah. said...


Nahla said...

So ture !
I needed this! thanks a lot :)

7upkels said...

i love love love love love love x 3092482039 love this post.
"i need to celebrate myself"

beautifully said. i might just quote you on that one day.

April said...

Lots of hugs for you, and the universe.

Anonymous said...

LOL! I can safely say I have NEVER heard someone say "I have been far too selfless lately"! You're hilarious, Sara *hug* :)

Taylor said...

Please keep me updated on the progress of your book - and let it be known that I would gladly purchase a copy. You speak beautifully, write wonderful things, and have a purely good heart! Give yourself some 'me' time this week, relax! Hearts and hugs for you!

Dapoppins said...

I can't wait to see what your photo's from Paris will be like, and how the words of your book will flow from your soul like music...!

أحمد said...

التفاؤل وادعاء البهجة بمحاولة خلقها، نهايته سيئة جدا

مش عارف ايه قيمة الحياة بدون ألم ومعاناة وطلوع دينى ، كدا لما الضربة هتيجى لك
هتفشخك يا بيبي