Here's something that I originally wrote for the Clairvoyance Collective:
I woke up in the middle of the night with a brilliant thought in my head; the perfect opening line, the most eloquent words and the prettiest picture painted with words, and I promised myself that I will remember it when I wake up. Of course, this never happened. No one ever remembers these moments of sheer inspiration, oh beautiful inspiration, they get when they are half asleep.
It’s very similar to those moments when I am listening to a song that makes my ribs vibrate with emotion and think to myself “this could be the soundtrack of my book…the book that I will eventually write” but that, too, never happens. You never keep track of songs you want to put on a list unless you write them down somewhere specific.
There are also moments in the shower when I think of characters and storylines, but this never materializes, because I am no good at fiction. I might fictionalize, inspired by the different truths I encounter in the beautifully loud city that is Cairo – the city is incredibly loud with details that if you pay too much attention, it might drive you crazy.
Imagine songs that you listen to as you drive on a highway and suddenly the words start rushing through your mind – your own words – and there is nothing you can do about it because you’re driving. But these specific songs are the songs you know you love; the songs that you know you should go back to when you’re sad, or lack inspiration. They might be songs people have recommended; songs that you in no way relate to, but songs you love nonetheless. They are songs that inspire you.
This might be the reason some songs make you cry; over lost inspiration. Maybe this is why I cried that one time at the opera. Maybe this is why his “Ya bay”s make my heart ache…maybe you can help me find out why this song resonates with me for days after having listened to it…and, this is the last one, I promise.
Does this make me a daydreamer? I remember one too many people who have referred to me as one, and I don’t really mind. I realized it one day as I was sitting with a friend of mine – a really special friend of mine – in the afternoon sun. I tried to explain how I like it when the sun hits only one side of my face at this time of the day, and I know that it makes one eye lighter in colour than the other. When he didn’t really get what it was I was talking about, I realized that it was just me who might notice these things, and that I am, in fact, a daydreamer.
Almost three years ago now, I wrote to a dear, dear person saying: “the thing is, I am running a bit low on inspiration and ideas (these days)” and his reply was: “No, I do not ever believe that you can be in that condition…I think I have observed your functioning close enough to know that these are probably the symptoms that inflict themselves upon certain souls, typically artists, thinkers, and creators in vicarious sorts. I hope you realize that I mean what I am saying. It may not make it easier, perhaps, but it is important to place these feelings/self-doubts in perspective and to relate to them as reflections of the inner self rather than as facts.”
I am not writing this to invite people to listen to songs that inspire me, nor to explain how it feels like to be a daydreamer. It might be that I am writing this to try and express how it feels like to constantly feel heartbroken. Even if you’re happy, even if there is nothing wrong with your life, and there is not a single reason for you to feel heartbroken, there is always that one voice, that one thought, or maybe feeling, that hurts a little…and it might leave you heavy hearted for a minute or two – but then you remember that you are happy and this is not how you are supposed to feel.
Then I look up and I am lucky enough to see a shooting star. And I make a wish; clarity.