Care Packages

I was looking at my older posts in attempts to procrastinate. Posts that reminded me of times when I used to passionately write, times when I used to have something to write about, when things inspired me and when things touched me...

And now I am just in an entirely different place in my life. I am not really lost, but I, at the same time, cannot say that I know where I stand, and I have no idea where I am heading- nor do I know where I would like to be.

I realized that my posts have become less and less personal, less and less inspirational...and just...you know. I could tell, in hindsight, that naturally, it all lead to where I am at now, but I also know that I am going to pull myself out of it.

I was just too comfortable in a place too passive for my liking. Not really neutral, just passive. I was not actively seeking a different place, but now I am. Because there is hope for change. A tiny glimpse of something new. But no, I wouldn't skip this one step ahead; at their own pace, things tend to unfold. And they are mostly beautiful, viewed under the certain light of positivity. Yes, at a certain angle, everything is beautiful.

And the serendipity about it all is what makes it worthwhile. Pleasant surprise care packages left at your door when you don't feel like interacting with the world. The perfect companion on your cocooning trip.

[The internet has been good to me, I have met some great people here. So this is a thank you, because some made me smile, some made me feel like I am not alone, some made me feel loved, some made me feel special. Some I have met in real life and some I am yet to meet. Some have sent me gifts, and some have sent me birthday cards. I love you, I honestly do. I am just in this state, because I realized how I have, somehow, evolved into the me I am today.]

I am not depressed. I am just at this point when you realize things that might- or might not- have been there all along. And obviously, I have been standing there, watching, waiting for things to happen as I wondered why nothing interesting was happening, why I lacked the inspiration and why I wasn't smiling as much as I would like to.

And it hit me, because I was just standing there watching the world go by. And that is the worst thing anyone could ever bring upon themselves. Ever.

Silence

There's so much negative energy around me and I am trying to break away. I am trying to break away and be my actual self. And I don't know how to.

Some people have noticed it. And there's too much noise around me- it's like an echo of what is in my head. It is, however, not helping.

I need silence, I am indifferent to whether it is a silence that speaks. Just silence. I am too sensitive to all sounds and voices around me that I could actually scream. With each wave of sound that hits my eardrums, I am more aggravated, I am more miserable, if I may say.

And then I Wrote This For You somehow makes me feel better;

That sound you hear, that's the sound of someone realising that sometimes, it's easier to change the world than it is your own life.

I am not saying that I haven't sincerely smiled in the past week, because I have. I have had a weekend full of smiles, and for that, I am thankful! In fact, there are a lot of things that I am thankful for, which actually include my (possible) lunacy since it made me appreciate a certain smile, a certain giggle and a certain laugh.

How has everyone been? I would really like to know.

More Fragments

I don't think there is such a thing as fiction. There is no fiction. Everything is mixed with reality- or the other way round...
I don't know if that's a good thing.

What I know is, though, what I know is- is that I am not sure if I am ready to leave this. I am not sure if I am ready to quit. I am not sure. I want. I am not sure if I need.

I am.

Maybe that is enough. That. I am.

I tend to enjoy watching the stars, regardless of who is there to watch them with me- I never really cared. I am not sure if I don't care though. I want a sincere hug, a hug that tells me I am cared for. I want a warm look...just to tell me that I have a friend. A friend.

I want someone who would listen and not make fun of what I have to say, you see. Regardless of who optimistic or unrealistic, or idealistic it may sound.

I worry too much. I worry too much about the might have been, the could have been. All the alternate routes and choices and paths. No, I am not depressed, I just have too much on my mind and I don't know how to let it all out in an optimistic tone, you know?

This could, by far, be my favorite "I Wrote This for You" post;

Do you remember, at the start, how small everything was? Smaller than a point. Like everything was somewhere between a thought, almost, and a reality, almost. And then I looked at you and thought

"?"

And then everything that would ever happen, happened.

I also know this is the only thing that's keeping me going. That someday I will look back, and remember. I would remember how lost I thought I felt when I was twenty-three (and twenty-two) I would remember not being able to define my role in this world, my identity, my place, I would remember worrying about each and every choice I am to make. I would look back and smile- laugh even and it would feel so good!

I know.

Maybe that's the problem with me, and a lot of other people, that we try to define things, when an abstract concept leaves you with much more freedom, much more flexibilty. Why should one define identity when it could be universal, when it could be so personal while being universal. Definition limits you, it limits concepts and thoughts...

So, for now, my role is abstract, my place is abstract, my identity; abstract.

The Long Post That Turned Out to be Not So Long

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. So I am thinking a list is in order!

1. I have been going through terrible, terrible mood swings and I know I owe it to everyone around me; I am sorry (are we going through a retrograde? excuse my ignorance but I have a feeling some planet is in retrograde and I blame it on that)
2. Tomorrow might possible be the last day of Ramadan, meaning that it's Eid el-Fitr on Thursday! Thursday and Sunday are off (YAY LONG WEEKEND!) I am heading to the North Coast with my family and my favorite aunt, her daughter and grandchildren!
3. ABC Adventures is such an amazing blog, that I know, BUT LOOK AT THAT!!! A WHOLE POST THAT FEATURES ME!
4. Speaking of amazing links; this is just beautiful! And this.
5. I want to make a confession post. (I had intended on this being the one but then it's getting late and I have to be at work at 9 am tomorrow. That without coffee is torture!)
6. Am I the only one who likes Seal's song?

So yeah, the post didn't turn out to be long after all! Maybe tomorrow! And also, tomorrow I am willing to reply to emails!

Title

Yesterday marked the end of my birthday week, not that I had spent it celebrating or anything, but yesterday, we had iftar at my best friend's and then went to this GORGEOUS concert.

The Azhar Park was once a dump, and now it's a beautiful park that has a theater where they hold great live performances- underground performances.

Yesterday, was Emel Mathlouthi's first time to perform in Cairo, and I quote the best friend; she "lit Cairo up" with passion and drive and hope....and freedom and revolutionary aspirations.

She's is Tunisian, but nevertheless, I guess all North African countries could relate to what she sang for. I did. I was...touched. I am not an activist, because there's nothing that I have "actively" done for this country except love her with every bit that I am. Regardless of all what she doesn't give me, and what she takes away from me; of freedom and rights, I still love her. Regardless of the poverty and misery I see at every corner...I think my country is a beautiful one...

I might be a silent, passive protester...if I have the right to call myself so, but that's a shameful thing to be.

She sang el Sheikh Imam songs. Oh how I loved those.

She sang this song....and oh how relevant this song is to what the country is going through today..

(انا في وسط الفوضة معني)

I had first intended on doing Lauren's fill in the blanks, but I got carried away with this. This is how I feel now, and oh, there goes another piece of me. Out in the open.

oh, you have to read this.[person shapes]