I have depended on quite a few people in my life. And I have lost them all but a few.
I have lost people to death, to disappointment and to...life, if I may say.
And this is when I taught myself how to be selfish.
My life and plans had always depended on a person or more, but they always revolved around someone that is not me. And then I finally realized that I should be the center of my life, and everything orbits around me. Because this is my life, and I have to make something out of it.
I have had a full time job for 17 months now, and I have slowly gained financial independence (that's not counting my grad school tuition fees that my parents pay..I know) And after a (not so) few heartbreaks, I learnt not to plan ahead, just to have a general, flexible outline, somehow.
So, inspired by mother*, who studied political science and literature and has worked as an English teacher for as long as I can remember (I like to think it was because I was born when she was a graduating senior), in my head, I decided the following:
I have lost people to death, to disappointment and to...life, if I may say.
And this is when I taught myself how to be selfish.
My life and plans had always depended on a person or more, but they always revolved around someone that is not me. And then I finally realized that I should be the center of my life, and everything orbits around me. Because this is my life, and I have to make something out of it.
I have had a full time job for 17 months now, and I have slowly gained financial independence (that's not counting my grad school tuition fees that my parents pay..I know) And after a (not so) few heartbreaks, I learnt not to plan ahead, just to have a general, flexible outline, somehow.
So, inspired by mother*, who studied political science and literature and has worked as an English teacher for as long as I can remember (I like to think it was because I was born when she was a graduating senior), in my head, I decided the following:
- If I am ever to get married, I want it to be by the time I am 26 (I, sometimes, believe I will die alone, a lot.)
- I need to finish my PhD before I am 30.
- I never want to live away from my family.
- I want to make a change, and do something for my country.
I don't know when and why - let alone how - that list happened, given that the numbers are somehow random. There's a but. There's always a but! I hate buts..
But...things change. And it just makes me lose faith in planning altogether, because I don't believe in near-future-planning, this list is my idea of planning. And even that doesn't seem to work out.
So when I decide that my world revolves around me, and that I am my own hero, something(one) happens and changes everything. I don't know how I feel about that.
Will my life ever be truly mine?
In one month and 22 days, I turn 24 and it is scaring the life out of me. Twenty-four, TWO years away from target age I and SIX years away from target age II. Will I make it? Am I going to?
July is always a scary, scary month.
*My mother got married when she was 20, I was born when she was 22 and she graduated a semester late because of...me.
9 comments:
The beauty of having your own plans is that you can change them - they are yours to make and yours to change. Or to put it another way - you are in charge of the plans, the plans are not in charge of you :)
July is a strange month for me, it's like a half-way mark through the year and it always reminds me that times going real fast but I'm trying not to panic :)
Veronika (http://www.constantworkinprogress.com)
Agh, I keep trying to look at graduate schools, but I can't face them. I don't know what I want so I don't know what to look for! But like the above said, the good thing about having your own plans is you can change them. At least I don't have to worry about dragging anyone else along with me!
Graduate school is scary...the idea of a phd is so alluring but SO frightening because of the time it takes to complete. I used to be one to plan out life, but now, I feel so out of control when it comes to that. i don't think i want to plan out my life because i just can't. i am so unsure of where i will be, if i will ever get a job, if i will move away, if i will have children. it is all so unknown and foreign to me, too. you will do what you can do! and more. i have faith in you! always have, ever since i started reading. you're too strong-willed to let that waste away.
you can do anything you put your mind to. for where you're at right now at the age you are is quite an accomplishment on it's own. you should be so proud of yourself for that alone. keep it up love, everything will be ok.
And it's okay =)
I like that, to be ones own hero. Sure need that sometimes.
Oh Sara, just re-discovered your blog and fell in love al over again with the way you write. My laptop crashed so I lost all my bookmarks, but my sister mentioned your blog today and I just spent the past hour catching up.
Amazing =)
Oh Sara, you are in control. Live for nobody but yourself!! I need to learn to be selfish too.
I like your random numbers. I sometimes think I'll never find someone to marry.
I wish you luck in getting your PHD. Your determination is so very amazing and inspiring!
Stay strong, beautiful.
LOVE!
I think you will be able to achieve this. You are so motivated and want to make a change. I think you are already on the right track on making this life yours. x
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