Explanations

This goes out to all those who have left and all those who I chose to leave.

I honestly had no idea how life would go on without you being there, I am the kind of person who lets people in, quickly and fully, and I get episodes of spending my entire time with someone – until we stop. So if I chose to leave you, know how hard of a decision it was for me to make.

If you chose to leave, know that it left me feeling helpless for a while, until I trained my mind to accept it.

And worst of all, if you were chosen to leave, if I have lost you to death – know that I think you every day in my mind, know that I think of you every single day. Know that you have taught me life’s greatest lesson: Nothing lasts; it is, in essence, temporary.

There is no forever, because our existence, in itself, is temporary.

Next week marks a year since I lost my grandmother, leaving this huge gaping hole in my heart. Leaving a big void where I used to be loved. I feed off of other people’s love (don't we all?). I lost my grandfather, who loved me most, right in front of my teenage eyes. I lost my grandmother who I owe most of my childhood on an October night when I was twenty-seven.

I was dealing with my own issues of loss; loss of heart, loss of will and loss of energy when I woke up one day to the loss of a loved one.

If you choose to leave, please explain. I know you don’t owe me an explanation, but explanations help me accept what I have no control over. And the only thing I have control over are my own choices – if I have none, I need an explanation.

It is late October and earlier this month, I tried to put myself out there, to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I fell face first into a mess of my own choices. And I find it hard to deal with.

I tread to carefully when I care. And the problem lies in my caring about almost everything. People perceive it as my not loving myself enough - but I just invest all I can in things, in people I love, in people I could love and I find nothing wrong with it. I love myself in loving other people, you see? And I have a lot of love to give. 

A few months ago, I went to see a healer and he told me that I need to accept the love I am given, I need to allow myself to be loved. That I am blocking it all. But the truth is, I fear loss long before I am given love of all sorts.

I don't know why I am writing this and I don't know what brings it up. I am just scared.