Negativity

I have been feeling small for the past year.
I have been feeling insufficient and not enough.

I felt like a bad person, essentially. All my weaknesses were magnified and accentuated and I could not see anything but my faults and flaws.

I could not think of anything but mistakes I have done. Or bad decisions that I have made, or moments of recklessness and irresponsibility.

I had good moments, I saw new places.
There was a lot of good that happened to me over the past year and a lot of good that I have done. But I just tended towards overlooking it and thinking that it was not enough. I did not want to be perfect, I know being perfect is not even possible, I was just striving and thriving to please others. I was so hard on myself and when the time came when I lay my head to sleep at night, all those thoughts would race in my head.

All those concerns and my heart would send all this heaviness throughout my body - it was always hard to breathe and I can't even count the times that I cried myself to sleep.
I was complaining all the time; about life not being fair, asking my friends what to do and what they think and if there is any hope. I was burdened.

BUT.

I only realized the amount of negativity that was within and around me recently. I went to Florida for two weeks and spent the time reflecting on that... I just didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to feel like I am enough. I mean, all I ever wanted was to be happy and be at peace with who I am.

But to be at peace with who I am, I needed to be aware of my faults and make peace with them, THEN try and find ways to "downplay" them or "fix" them if needed. But that had to be a decision I made.