Nights I Would Take Back

here via here

There is one specific point.
One certain decision that I would take back. I would give anything to take that evening back.
I was sitting there and decided to start to head out.

I made plans I said.
It's okay, he said, you can cancel - come with me instead.
You can't cancel plans last minute, I claimed.

And I left.
I left and it all went downhill from there.

I wish I could take that one night back.

Hi

I have been having a really hard time and I feel the need to document this.
I have been neglecting this place as if it were my enemy and I have no idea why.

My grandmother passed away last month. My grandmother was more like a mother to me. But I am trying to deal with that, I have dealt with losing my grandfather, so I have a bit of experience.

On a different note, I have been feeling lost and confused. Not knowing what I want - or rather knowing what I want but not being able to take the steps to get that. I felt crippled, and the more I thought about it the more it left me immobile. I waited and waited and waited; for a sign, for a signal, for something...not realizing that I had waited too long.

Yes, there is such a thing as waiting too long. I waited too long, twice, the one time out of patience and the other out of fear - out of fear to make a decision that might not be the right one.

It's as if I haven't learnt anything over the past ten years. TEN YEARS and I am thinking the same thoughts and doing the same things. Ten years and I am not sure how to get what I want and how to know if I really want it. And seven years have passed and I am not really sure how to go for things and not just wait for things to sort themselves out.

Why could things not sort themselves out? If I have the intention to sort them out, if I WANT to make things right - what's wrong with that?
I want to make things right and it's all I think about but never do anything about. I want to make things right but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin. I am scared - or was scared - to invest even more in things not knowing where that will lead me (even further away from where I want to be?)

I forgot to practice what I preach. I forgot that if you want something you should do all you can to show the world that you want it. I forgot that if you want something you work for it, it doesn't matter where you'll end up as long as you know you tried. If you want something, you try, damn it, Sara, you try!

I forgot my purpose, and hence lost my purpose and direction.

I forgot to remember to not regress when attacked, constantly. I forgot to remember that it's okay for people to not appreciate me the way I would like for them to; people have different ways of expressing things. I forgot that it is more than words, that I shouldn't be blind to actions. I forgot so many things until it all hit me and now all I want to do is curl in a ball in bed and hope for it all to go away.

Yeah, at least I remember that if you want something, you work for it.
Anyway, that's what's been up.

The Making of Butterflies

here

I want to cocoon.

I want distance and detachment. I want solitude and seclusion.

I want to come back to see that you have finally changed your mind. To see that it has finally sunk in. To see that it all finally makes sense.

The goal is to wake up and slowly move or not move at all so as to not wake you. The goal is to exist silently, softly, to float around you.

The goal is to not disturb the lightness you hold dear. To occupy some space but not too much, until your things make room for mine next to them, until the boundary disappears – that imaginary line separating my side from yours.

The purpose is to correctly lay your things down without you having to readjust them. The purpose is to perfect my Brunoise.

The purpose is to be all the right things while still being me. It’s only superficial, the core and essence never change - just tiny corrections at the surface to help the center shine through.

I never really understood this before, it always felt like someone is attacking my existence, my being – it felt like someone was constantly trying to change and control me and it aggravated the feminist in me. To me, no one deserved that I alter my behavior and mannerisms for them. No one deserved that I put in that extra effort – as long as I was comfortable, everyone else should be. And it was in my own comfort that I did not create a storm. Aggravate me, and it would rain on you for days on end.

But that has changed. I am about to emerge a butterfly.

What My Mother Said

here

My mother always told me to not "spill" everything about myself to people, let alone men I find interesting. Or could potentially find interesting.

She told me that some things are better left unsaid. Or hidden. Or "concealed"

So after two failed serious relationships, which happened to take place one after the other, I found a man interesting. I thought well, let's try my mother's advice this time.

And boy was I wrong.

This could be the worst thing I have ever done to myself. One of my bigger mistakes, and definitely among my very few regrets.

So mothers are right when it comes to sensing things. But I am never taking my mum's advice ever again. But I also know better than to blame a parent for a mistake I have made. I should have known better.

A Year in Review

I have mentioned it before that 2013 was a "year of ending" for me (here)
So many things have changed for me over the past year in many ways - mostly overwhelming ways - needless to say, it was quite the tough year.
I have done a lot of traveling. Maybe in search of something, and maybe in running away from something, I am not so sure. I am also not sure if I have learnt anything while traveling. I mean, I have learnt things about specific people. (maybe also about myself)

I have learnt that: I like buying gifts for my family back home, I get homesick easily, being on a highway in the rain scares me, even more so when on a mountain. I love Germany.

I also know now what bittersweet feels like. It's the exact feeling you get when tying loose ends for your own sake and for the benefit of others. It's that feeling you get sitting on a park bench with wind in your hair and your lips are smiling, your heart is aching and tears are running down your cheeks. But you are not lonely, because you know someone else if feeling exactly the same. But you made the right choice.

He was such an adorable little kitten!!

One more important lesson I learnt this year was to NOT ignore signs and gut feelings because they are there for a reason - be it warning signs or ones that bring your attention to a certain thing. And it was something I took so much pride in but this year, I tended to ignore my gut feeling in attempts to be more "grownup" and more "realistic" but I ended up falling flat on my face, really. I lost control. I lost track of who I really am.

Here's a list of (some of the) things I have done for the first time this year:

1.  Walked in a forest
2. Slept to the sound of a running stream
3. Cross-country road trip
4. Moroccan "hammam"
5. Visited new places and countries

So it wasn't that bad after all. I am looking forward to this year; which I started yesterday among family smoking shisha and having pizza. (Earlier I was with my friends)