First Day of School - Life Edition

Actually, I want to talk to you.
My fiance and I broke up some two months ago.
It was my second long term relationship. Before then, I was with someone for two and a half years, and four months after we broke up, I met my now ex-fiance - we were together for almost three years.

I turned twenty while dating ex number one and I turned twenty-six fresh out of the relationship with ex number two. And the conclusion is that I don't really know my grown up self at all. I have never been single in my twenties. The twenty-something year old person that I know as myself has always been with someone. And this is all so weird for me.
I am enjoying it.
I am enjoying hanging out with friends; old and new, and catching up with people in general

But I can't deny the fact that it is quite weird in an unsettling kind of way. I am just not used to it. It's like the first day of school all over again. It's not that I feel like I don't fit in, it's just that I am seeing myself in a different life, discovering myself in a different context. I don't know my mannerisms anymore. I am me and just me and only have to do things that would please me, and would be okay by me. My plans are my plans and my time is just my time. There are no constraints, there is no other variable in the equation that is my life.

It's weird.

I am discovering a new dimension of everything and everyone and not just myself and my life.
I just came back from a very nice trip to the Red Sea, which has always been my favourite. I'll post pictures then!

I miss kindness.
I miss genuine smiles.
I miss people doing good for the sake of doing good and not labeling it a "favour"

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I really miss all these things.
A few things have happened to me lately that shook my faith in the good in people. I am not really sure if people are genuinely nice to me anymore. Or if there is some ulterior motive.
Whenever someone smiles at me or touches my shoulder jokingly, I keep thinking "why are you doing this?" "what do you want from me?" "are you objectifying me?" "Is there more to me than just my body that you see?"
"do you want to steal my wallet/phone?" "do you want to hurt me?"

I am not really sure if I will ever get myself back, or is this the kind of person I will be from now on..
But I miss trusting people.

It's Still July in Her Head

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It was a July morning – a Saturday if she remembers correctly. There were no curtains in the old room filled with knickknacks collected with the years, a fraternity flag here, a conference invitation there…a picture from a first date and of best friends lost to borders and time.

The summer sun filled the room and it woke her up. Lazy with joy, with last night’s food and wine, she opens her eyes and finds him fast asleep next to her. Sweaty…men are always sweaty; it’s all the hair covering their bodies. She likes hairy men, she things…she looks at him thinking what a beautiful moment this is. She thinks about what would go through his mind had he been the one to wake up first but changes her mind knowing it wouldn't please her.

She’s hard to please, anyway.