Explanations

This goes out to all those who have left and all those who I chose to leave.

I honestly had no idea how life would go on without you being there, I am the kind of person who lets people in, quickly and fully, and I get episodes of spending my entire time with someone – until we stop. So if I chose to leave you, know how hard of a decision it was for me to make.

If you chose to leave, know that it left me feeling helpless for a while, until I trained my mind to accept it.

And worst of all, if you were chosen to leave, if I have lost you to death – know that I think you every day in my mind, know that I think of you every single day. Know that you have taught me life’s greatest lesson: Nothing lasts; it is, in essence, temporary.

There is no forever, because our existence, in itself, is temporary.

Next week marks a year since I lost my grandmother, leaving this huge gaping hole in my heart. Leaving a big void where I used to be loved. I feed off of other people’s love (don't we all?). I lost my grandfather, who loved me most, right in front of my teenage eyes. I lost my grandmother who I owe most of my childhood on an October night when I was twenty-seven.

I was dealing with my own issues of loss; loss of heart, loss of will and loss of energy when I woke up one day to the loss of a loved one.

If you choose to leave, please explain. I know you don’t owe me an explanation, but explanations help me accept what I have no control over. And the only thing I have control over are my own choices – if I have none, I need an explanation.

It is late October and earlier this month, I tried to put myself out there, to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I fell face first into a mess of my own choices. And I find it hard to deal with.

I tread to carefully when I care. And the problem lies in my caring about almost everything. People perceive it as my not loving myself enough - but I just invest all I can in things, in people I love, in people I could love and I find nothing wrong with it. I love myself in loving other people, you see? And I have a lot of love to give. 

A few months ago, I went to see a healer and he told me that I need to accept the love I am given, I need to allow myself to be loved. That I am blocking it all. But the truth is, I fear loss long before I am given love of all sorts.

I don't know why I am writing this and I don't know what brings it up. I am just scared. 

Negativity

I have been feeling small for the past year.
I have been feeling insufficient and not enough.

I felt like a bad person, essentially. All my weaknesses were magnified and accentuated and I could not see anything but my faults and flaws.

I could not think of anything but mistakes I have done. Or bad decisions that I have made, or moments of recklessness and irresponsibility.

I had good moments, I saw new places.
There was a lot of good that happened to me over the past year and a lot of good that I have done. But I just tended towards overlooking it and thinking that it was not enough. I did not want to be perfect, I know being perfect is not even possible, I was just striving and thriving to please others. I was so hard on myself and when the time came when I lay my head to sleep at night, all those thoughts would race in my head.

All those concerns and my heart would send all this heaviness throughout my body - it was always hard to breathe and I can't even count the times that I cried myself to sleep.
I was complaining all the time; about life not being fair, asking my friends what to do and what they think and if there is any hope. I was burdened.

BUT.

I only realized the amount of negativity that was within and around me recently. I went to Florida for two weeks and spent the time reflecting on that... I just didn't want to be sad anymore. I wanted to feel like I am enough. I mean, all I ever wanted was to be happy and be at peace with who I am.

But to be at peace with who I am, I needed to be aware of my faults and make peace with them, THEN try and find ways to "downplay" them or "fix" them if needed. But that had to be a decision I made. 

what about you?

You are but a bunch of recycled thoughts. A select few favorite words that you use over and over and over again. Shuffle, shuffle and reshuffle to verbalize a thought that you are too scared to otherwise rid yourself of; for what are you without your thoughts?
But if you word thoughts were gloom? And what if your words are poison?
What about those you care for and those who care for you?

And what about you.