All What Counts

I am alone in a hotel room. Just me and my mind - me and my thoughts.
Me and my confusion.
When it should have been me and you.
You and me.

I am alone; my mirror and I, and I look up to see her. She who knows not what to do with her life, with her self. She, who has dark circles round her eyes. Maybe it's days of work, but it could also be what she has brought upon herself.

She has turned into this person she refuses to accept. And in this refusal, she has learnt to lie not only to others but also to herself. It is a bit hard to swallow, the person she has become; real.
Reality comes with lines around your eyes, and stretchmarks on your thighs. It comes with grey hair and heartbreak. It comes with the realization that you cannot save the world.

Even worse, it comes with the realization that you are capable of hurting others. You are capable of hurting those who love you. (and those who truly care for you)

I look up and decide to look through pictures of my younger self, some from when I thought I had life figured out (seven years ago) - I thought that maybe finally, my life is sorting itself out. But no. It kept doing the same thing over and over again where it pushes me further and further into a place I could no longer recognize.

I am not scared to admit it any longer, in fact, I don't have life figured out. I have no idea where I am heading and the closest thing to a plan I have is this: to start saving, to write a business plan and to stop lying to myself. But I don't know where I want to be in two years, let alone five. What I know is that I feel young, that I won't let anything weigh me down, and that is all that counts at times.

First Day of School - Life Edition

Actually, I want to talk to you.
My fiance and I broke up some two months ago.
It was my second long term relationship. Before then, I was with someone for two and a half years, and four months after we broke up, I met my now ex-fiance - we were together for almost three years.

I turned twenty while dating ex number one and I turned twenty-six fresh out of the relationship with ex number two. And the conclusion is that I don't really know my grown up self at all. I have never been single in my twenties. The twenty-something year old person that I know as myself has always been with someone. And this is all so weird for me.
I am enjoying it.
I am enjoying hanging out with friends; old and new, and catching up with people in general

But I can't deny the fact that it is quite weird in an unsettling kind of way. I am just not used to it. It's like the first day of school all over again. It's not that I feel like I don't fit in, it's just that I am seeing myself in a different life, discovering myself in a different context. I don't know my mannerisms anymore. I am me and just me and only have to do things that would please me, and would be okay by me. My plans are my plans and my time is just my time. There are no constraints, there is no other variable in the equation that is my life.

It's weird.

I am discovering a new dimension of everything and everyone and not just myself and my life.
I just came back from a very nice trip to the Red Sea, which has always been my favourite. I'll post pictures then!

I miss kindness.
I miss genuine smiles.
I miss people doing good for the sake of doing good and not labeling it a "favour"

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I really miss all these things.
A few things have happened to me lately that shook my faith in the good in people. I am not really sure if people are genuinely nice to me anymore. Or if there is some ulterior motive.
Whenever someone smiles at me or touches my shoulder jokingly, I keep thinking "why are you doing this?" "what do you want from me?" "are you objectifying me?" "Is there more to me than just my body that you see?"
"do you want to steal my wallet/phone?" "do you want to hurt me?"

I am not really sure if I will ever get myself back, or is this the kind of person I will be from now on..
But I miss trusting people.

It's Still July in Her Head

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It was a July morning – a Saturday if she remembers correctly. There were no curtains in the old room filled with knickknacks collected with the years, a fraternity flag here, a conference invitation there…a picture from a first date and of best friends lost to borders and time.

The summer sun filled the room and it woke her up. Lazy with joy, with last night’s food and wine, she opens her eyes and finds him fast asleep next to her. Sweaty…men are always sweaty; it’s all the hair covering their bodies. She likes hairy men, she things…she looks at him thinking what a beautiful moment this is. She thinks about what would go through his mind had he been the one to wake up first but changes her mind knowing it wouldn't please her.

She’s hard to please, anyway.

How Do You Know?

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I haven’t seen enough in my life, that I know.

I live through other people’s experience…but I have had my own share of experiences, if I may say. I have had my share and still I haven’t figured life out.

This is what makes me believe that you can live your entire life – to the fullest or not – and only realize what it was all about on your deathbed.

What worries me about life is not my deathbed. What worries me about life is, rather, who will be next to me then.

I know enough to know that whoever is left from my family will be there, and knowing that, in itself, is more than enough. But being the greedy person I am (human nature), I want more. I want a man I love and who loves me back to be there. And maybe children…

But I am not looking for that person that you meet and start feeling all tingly on the inside. I believe you just know – you just know this is the person I am going to grow old with; this is the person who has the other half of my children’s genes.

Is it just me? Or do you know?

Do you know?

Am I being too idealistic or too much of a dreamer? Maybe

I was talking to my boss the other day and she said that you know it when you meet that person. She said that you meet them and know that this man will be the father of your child(ren) – you might not necessarily grow old with them, but sharing children gives you a special bond of sorts. She said that she has this ability; with people she knows enough or has spent enough time with…she sees them with someone and knows that this is going to be their wife/husband. Or not.

You see, life is all about trial and error. And, with trial and error comes failure, but with failure there always comes a lesson. I have failed one too many times.

And next time, I want to just know. It’s not about marriage as much as it is about the connection, the click(!), the “oh you make my heart race and I want to lie in your arms for hours on end and not get fidgety.”