Birthday Musings: Part I

here - such a beautiful photo

I've been having very/somehow insightful conversations with people lately, and that has helped me see things more clearly. It has also helped me see how I have changed over the past year, maybe.
Over the past few years, I have become more of a cynic; one of the traits I fear the most. It's one of the main reasons why I don't want to grow up; because grown-ups are cynical, they don't dream, they don't believe in love and they don't smile often enough.

I want to always be remembered as the girl who smiles (a lot) [even though, at times, I am remembered for my very loud laugh when I can no longer control it]

I still do believe in love, but mushiness makes me cringe. I still dream, but the first thing I do when I think of ways I can pursue a dream is think of the obstacles. I am working on that. I promise.

(Speaking of dreams, I finally traveled to London.)

I do a lot of thinking, but I only do it in retrospect - you see, my mind is not the best of minds, my mind is- in fact- a rather dark place, and I don't really like it. It thinks of negative things first. Where my gut feeling comes from, however, is a beautiful place, a place where eyes glitter and faces light up - or where tears originate. My gut feeling is what I base most my decisions on, my life, in turn, is based on a little voice inside my head that tells me when things feel right; I'd rather call it instinct and not impulse. (it is largely impulsive, I must admit) It might make me seem reckless and immature at times, it might leave me with unhealthy levels of guilt and burden and heavy-hearted-ness at others...but mostly, it has helped me come to terms with who I am.
(I am a bit immature for my age.)

I am, most of the time, at peace with myself. I admit that I have been mean to people, unfair to others, I have been a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, a bad daughter and a bad sister. I do make sure that apologise for it though, if not face to face, I do it here.

I think hugs can make everything better, but I don't take that for granted. I also know that there are a few people (not so few) whose hugs can make me feel better, and I am sure those people know it. I make it known for them - at least I try. And these people have all changed my life in one way or another. They have have uninhibited parts of me that I didn't even know exist, that I never realised I had kept dormant...they have, in other words, freed me.

These are my musings as of late, my birthday musings, if I may say. Two days after my birthday, it's Sara's birthday make sure you check her pre-birthday posts that include this one here.