Who are You?

I don't think I recognize the person I have become. I don't know who I am anymore.
I have been sick in bed for the past 4 days. Ever since I came back from Tunisia (yes, I was in Tunisia for 6 days, I will post about that later - the country is BEAUTIFUL)

Those who have known me for over 10 years (that's only one person really, the one person I am still close with) know that I shouldn't spend too much time alone. When I spend time alone, this gives me a chance to think and when I think, the outcome is never, ever good. It's usually twisted, and more often than not, far, far, far from reality.

Outcome: Huge argument with the boyfriend.

Anyway. Back to me. I honestly don't know this person sitting here typing this post. Because the person I knew to be me used to read a lot, used to write a lot...she used to cook. And she used to work out.

And all these things are things I no longer do. I no longer have it in me to do them, or maybe, I just no longer have the time to do them. I thought that as soon as I finish my master's degree, I'll have time to do whatever it is I wanted to do, but now that I work with the Germans, I barely have time to do anything. I am not complaining really, it's a very fulfilling job, but...you know?

Meet my little friend here, she's been keeping me company:

Made from organic Egyptian cotton, (the fabric is dyed with natural dye!)

The Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I hope you have a great day today. I thought I would wish you that since you have made my day this morning. You were helping the person sitting next to you park and were looking my way in order to ask people to wait while he parks.

I smiled, and you paused for a second or two, then you smiled back.

And that, simply, made my day. It really did.

So, thank you, I really needed that.

May your smile always make someone's day brighter.

Love,
Sara

Healthcare in Egypt

I just wanted to share this with the world. I want to share with to let everybody know that I have no reason whatsoever to have felt left out, to have felt sidelined...

I have no reason to have felt unimportant. I have no reason to have felt any of those negative feelings; loneliness, neglect, among many many others. Because this is his job. This is his career. This is what he is passionate about.

And I would never EVER let anyone stand in the way between me and my calling (I haven't even found my calling) and I believe he has found his. And I shouldn't let my PMS give me an excuse for nagging and crying and arguing for more time to be spent with me.

Being a resident doctor's girlfriend/fiancee is not easy. But it's much easier than being a resident, that I am sure of.

I forgot to share what this whole rant is about: This post right here.

He is doing his residency at a public hospital, the biggest one in Egypt. And free healthcare is both a blessing and a curse. But let's not talk about this now.

I am blessed. That's all.

Red and Orange

And yet, when you get here, you are not given instructions. No one tells you that heart A is meant to slot into heart B. There are no diagrams about how you are meant to live each day or directions on how to assemble some semblance of happiness. You are not even told what colours to paint your feelings or, given a purpose and a reason for your life.
You have to make all of it up. You have to make all of it, yourself. - I Wrote This For You

It must be scary being born, it must be traumatizing, even. Maybe this is where some (most) people get their fear of change, maybe that is how it all began. And some people spend their whole lives doing the same things, at the same place, going to the same places with the same people. Until they lose the ability to move, and until, one after the other, those same people die.

here

Why is it that people shy away from color?
Why is it that some people would opt for stripes instead of swirls and paisley and flowers..and multi-colored polka-dots?

Life is not about planning but rather those fortunate unplanned for events that take you by surprise. That's what life is about, it is in these moments that you forget about what is to happen next, and where you need to be and what you need to do, in these moments, you are at your happiest.

Life is not about a person you have dreamed to life, but rather that person you coincidentally saw in that light, a person you accidentally clicked with and you spend the rest of your time together figuring one another out. Or at least that's how it works for me.

Life is about not choosing your words, and saying whatever it is that is on your mind, expressing how you feel even if it would hurt (you or the other person) because why hold back? We were never meant to hold back anyway. And we were never meant to look at patterns of the same thing, our windows are not supposed to look the same.. (I don't know why I wrote that)

There's no wrong way to do things, because there really isn't a right way for you to measure other ways against. There is what feels right, however.

You felt right.
(and so did wearing socks with thick red and orange stripes and black loafers this morning before leaving the house)

Sad Post

I can't do this anymore;
this is too much pressure.
Too many things that are undefined, and I hate this.

I really do...

And no one is helping and I don't really know what it is that I need help with, and in turn, I can't really ask for help.

This is ridiculous. And I cannot vent. No one will understand, and that I know.
And it just feels like two years ago all over again..as much as I hate to admit it.

Then you say the wrong things at the wrong times and all I could think is "who are you?"

Yes. Who are you and what are you doing here? I am not used to this, and this is not what I asked for, this is not who you are.
Or maybe it is, but I never really saw it?

Oh.

here

Suddenly I don't see you anymore, nor do I see myself.
I  don't see you anymore
I can't breathe.


I can't breathe properly.


I am not depressed. I just can't breathe properly. I really can't. My heart has grown heavy and my lungs dense. The air seems more polluted than ever, enough so that my eyes are seeing clouds.